April Madness – in March.

Posted: March 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

i know what you’re thinking. The NCAA tournament is officially underway and Leesa has something to say about it. I do – I am picking Gonzaga to win it all. And that’s all I have to say about that. Not that I’m not excited for all the excitement that the tourney provides – I absolutely am – but what can I possibly write about it that you haven’t already read and/or heard about? I love March Madness as much as the next guy (or girl) but I must be honest. There is another event that has captured my attention. I am a victim of April Madness.

What is April Madness you ask? It is the name I have given to the obsession of watching a live cam perched in the corner of a giraffe pen at Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York.The star of the show is named April and she is pregnant and there are hundreds of thousands of people around the world watching in hopes of seeeing her calf born.I have become slightly obsessed with April. It doesn’t help that tomorrow will be my third day off from work due to strep throat and a sinus infestion. It’s been me, April, medicine, and a lot of kleenex. So if you haven’t figured it out by now, this article really isn’t about sports. Unless you’re into giraffe gestation games.

Quick background: April is 15 years old and is about to give birth to her 4h calf. The father of the calf is Oliver – who is 5 years old. So, apparently not only is April a giraffe, she is also a cougar. This will be Oliver’s first calf, but I can’t tell if he really cares or not. They keep them in seperate pens because apparently Oliver is the Christian Grey of the jungle world and he likes to play a little rough. I did happen to catch them in April’s pen together at one point when the keepers were cleaning his out. Ollie strutted on over, nuzzled his neck against hers and she practically bitch slapped him, walked away then turned and glared at him as if she were saying, “You did this to me, you horny bastard.” I’m pretty sure she wasn’t referring to the horns on top of his head.

Anyway, the gestation period for a giraffe is 15 months and from what I’ve read there’s really not a lot of signs when the blessed event is going to take place. They normally give birth standing up and you don’t even realize it until  you see hooves appear. Yes, it will look like there are hooves protruding out of April’s ass.Then the rest of the bouncing 6 foot tall, 150 pound baby will follow. Apparently they show no signs of labor so -when in their natural habitat-predators will not attack and kill the baby. I have also learned that after the calf is weaned they will transfer the offspring to another zoo. This is done to keep incest from happening. This whole time I thought giraffes came from Africa, but apparently they like to get jiggy with immediate family members. Who knew giraffes were actually from Alabama?

I have been April watching for a couple of weeks. Just recently I discovered there is a live chat room on the YouTube site I watch her on. This is a chat room full of self-proclaimed giraffe experts. After watching this chat room I felt a lot better about myself. Let me give you an example of some of the things that have been said in this room. “I can see she is contracting.” WHAT? Really? Did you travel up her uterus with a go-cam? No. That is the baby kicking, dumb ass. 

“Her knees look swollen. Poor thing.” Her knees look like giraffe knees. Who knows, they might be swollen, but you can’t tell that from your momma and daddy’s basement. Oh, and then the amount of people that talk to her like she can actually hear them. “Come on, April – we’re all here cheering for you.” or “Hi April. You’re such a beautiful girl and we love you.” Even if she could hear you she probably doesn’t speak dumb assisty. I’m not gonna lie – I did at one point imagine she was having a conversation with Oliver about how stupid humans are. And they had British accents. You know, like David Beckham and Posh Spice having a conversation at dinner.

The best question so far in the room of idiots was “Does the baby climb up her neck and then April has to spit it out?” Yes. Yes, you fucking moron. Except there is a baby escalator that the baby gets on and rides up to her mouth and THEN she regurgitates her baby. This is when I learned there are “modertors” in the chat room that have the power of kicking people out. I have not been allowed access since.

So now it is just me and April with Oliver lurking in the background. At this point it feels like she is on her second year of pregancy.There are jokes that she is only faking it. She is an older woman and maybe she thought Oliver had his eye on a younger woman so she is trying to trap him. All I know is if I don’t see some hooves from ass soon I’m going to be real disappointed. It has become a distraction and I realized I have a real problem when I started hearing Salt n Pepa singing “Push It” in my head everytime I look at April.

Have that damn baby giraffe, April. I’ve got some basketball to watch. Go Zags.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

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