7 Fast Lessons for the Football Virgin

Posted: November 7, 2016 in Uncategorized

​**This is for my friend Crystal.**

Have you ever seen Fever Pitch? It’s the movie starring Jimmy Fallon as an all-in, avid Boston Red Sox fan. He meets Drew Barrymore’s character during the off season and tries to warn her about his “passion” for the Sox. She doesn’t seem to have a problem with it because, well she only knows the “off season” guy. Spring training begins and she slowly starts to discover just how truly obsessed – in her eyes, unhealthily – he is with the Sox. She does, however go to the home opener with him even though she doesn’t know even the basics about baseball. Fallon’s character was so smitten though that he decided he would be patient and teach her so she too could become just as obsessed and they can live happily ever after staring at the Green Monster in Fenway Park. Of course it has a happy ending – it has Drew Barrymore after all. No, this is not a movie review, it is just a forerunner to what this story is really about.

So – if you saw the movie – you’ll remember the season ticket holding fans and friends of our male lead were not particularly thrilled with this chick that was intruding on their sacred territory. She made it clear she knew jack shit about the game by asking what the Curse of the Bambino was and couldn’t pronounce Yastrzemski. These other folks have a master’s degree in Boston Baseball and they didn’t have the time, nor the patience, to understand the attraction that was happening right before their very eyes. Not even an Al Waterman sponge could soak up the lack of baseball knowledge this chick had.

I know you’re asking yourself, why is she rambling about a baseball movie when it’s in the middle of football season? Let me explain. This Saturday when the Sooners face Baylor in Norman I am taking a couple of friends that have never been to a football game. Now I know you’re thinking: “She has friends that haven’t ever been to a football game?” Yes. Yes I do. Not only have they never been to a game, they aren’t really football fans. So, the moral to the above story is I believe I am going to be in the same dilemma as Jimmy Fallon’s character. I like my friends a lot actually, but they have already begun to ask some questions that make me wonder if I can get by with celebrating Halloween a couple of weeks late and wear a costume that will completely disguise me.

No, instead of being totally embarrassed by my no football knowledge having friends I thought I would give them a crash course in the game so my other friends and fellow season ticket holders will not give them a hard time and/or glare at me as if I brought an infectious disease to sit with us and spread throughout the beautiful, newly renovated stadium. I am a good friend.

So here we go, here is my syllabus for said crash course:

Lesson 1:

  • You must wear something with crimson or cream, the combination of both, or anything that is close to either shade. You may NOT wear anything green or yellow. ANYTHING. I’m not saying you have to go purchase a new Sooner wardrobe (although how fun would that be?) I’m just saying that if you wear anything close to Baylor related colors you may be in trouble. Not only from the surrounding fans, but keep in mind we sit directly next to the tunnel the Bears will run in and out of. Being on the first row, I fear a couple of them may see your obnoxious colors in a sea of Sooner red and try to rape you.

Lesson 2:

  • Explain Baylor rape allegatioms to friends.

Lesson 3:

  •  The players are wearing are uniforms, not “outfits.” The only Coach on the field will be the actual football coaches. And yes, the players must wear their pants that tight because this is the only form of entertainment you may get if you find you still don’t care for the game. I know you mentioned that said pants should be longer to avoid “grass rash.” But no, as a season ticket holder I can NOT put this in the suggestion box of the designers of the “outfits.”

Lesson 4:

  • The Red Zone is the area of the field between the 20- yard line and the goal line. This is called suchfor both teams. It is not the red zone for Oklahoma only because it matches the school colors, so please don” ask why there is not a green or yellow zone on the field to represent Baylor.

Lesson 5:  

  • A tight end is not a player that just looks good in the above mentioned short pants and has an ass that appears you can bounce a quarter off of. (yes fellas, we girls also use that term) Although, the majority of tight ends do fall into that description, it is an actual position in the game of football in which the player is both an eligible receiver and who will step into some plays and block the defense.
  • Icing the kicker has absolutely nothing to do with slathering the kicker with icing or frosting. Although this does sound somewhat enticing, it is a tactic used by head coaches in which a timeout is called immediately before he opposing team snaps the ballon a field goal..t is intended to psych out the opposing kicker and give him time to think about the kick.

Lesson 6:

  • Please do not giggle like a 12 year old boy when and if you hear the following terms at the game:

“Bangs his way to the 10 yard line”

“Stuffed him”

“In the slot”

“Long snapper”

“It’s all about the penetration”

“Fighting for every inch” – (girls, we know the struggle can be real, don’t we?)

“He’s going deep”

“Eight men in the box”

“Backfield is in motion”


Trust me girls, these are all legitimate football terms, it is not foreplay.


Lesson 7:

  • Offense is when your team (the Sooners) have the ball and score. We want them to score a lot. You will understand when this happens when the crowd is louder than normal, and you see the cute ponies and wagon run out on the field.
  • Defense is……..defense is………ummmmm…….. am Sooner fan. At this time I do not know what defense is.

I am hoping they can retain this valuable knowledge when we take our road trip to Norman this weekend. I hope they do not think any less of me when they actually see me at a live game and behave like a complete deranged lunatic. Most of all, I hope they see the Sooners victorious over the Bears. Boomer Sooner!

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

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Comments
  1. Jenny says:

    Nice job explaining the game!

  2. Your football terminology still has me giggling like a12 year old!

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