My Top 10 Fright List

Posted: October 30, 2013 in Sports, Uncategorized

I woke up this morning and it hit me that November is now just 3 short sleeps away. This may very well have been the shortest October ever and I can’t believe that in just a couple of days I’m going to have to turn my porch light off and pretend I am not home in order to avoid all the neighborhood kids knocking on my door screeching those infamous words and expecting me to give them candy in return. Why would I want to sugar these kids up more than they already are? I suppose I could open a bag of mini carrots and place them in those ugly ass orange buckets of Hell. Then when I get those looks of disappointment from the dressed up little cherubs, I can look right back and say “What? It’s Halloween. I am dressed as the neighborhood bitch. Take your carrot and skedaddle. And what the hell is wrong with your parents letting you dress up like Miley Cyrus, anyway? You just gave a whole new meaning to trick or treat. Your parental units should be ashamed of themselves. Take your foam finger and get off my porch and quit begging for more candy.”

Yeah, I’m not a big fan of Halloween, but I have decided I will pay homage to the last day of October by listing my Top 10 Things That Scare Me. Because this is SheSaidSports, I will of course stick to a sports theme to the best of my ability. In the style of David Letterman, I will start with number 10 and work my way to number 1 based on my personal level of fright.

baylor

#10: There are some good bears out there. The Care Bears are colorful, innocent things that have brought smiles to many children. Smokey the Bear sent an educational message trying to prevent forest fires. Yogi Bear was one of the best cartoons ever as his picnic basket stealing shenanigans with Boo Boo left me wanting to move to Jellystone Park. And then there’s Ted. He is genius and damn near makes a little pee run down my leg from laughing so hard at him. But there are some bears I am extremely scared of. I admit it, ya’ll. I am scared of the Baylor Bears that the Sooners will be facing a week from Halloween night. If anyone knows of a support group for this phobia, please forward the information. Thanks in advance.

#9:     2 – 5     This is the Steelers record so far this season. It scares me. Enough said.

spider

#8:  I do NOT like spiders. I know arachnophobia is another common phobia and there’s really not a whole to say here. They are ugly, they are creepy, and I have NO compassion for them when I spot one. I go straight up Ndamukong Suh on their 8 legged asses. The beauty of that is, I will not get fined for it. Also, like Suh, I will not apologize for my actions.

jets

#7:  I suppose being afraid of flying is a very common phobia. I don’t particularly like flying but I appreciate the swiftness in which an airplane gets me from point A to point B so I will reluctantly get on a plane. I do have flying anxiety but thanks to modern medicine, by the time the wheels are lifted, I am so high I could care less what’s happening on the plane. If turbulence occurs I just kick back and pretend like I just put a quarter in the bed at a sleazy, cheap motel and Gerard Butler is at the foot of the bed ready to make me the co-star of his next movie. It kinda sucks when the turbulence stops because once I was still so doped up I reached over and grabbed a guys crotch that was sitting next to me. When I noticed the look of shock on his face, all I could do was apologize. “Dude, my bad. I thought that was a roll of quarters.” All I really wanted was the bed to shake some more. What I’m trying to say here is, I’m scared of the jets that fly, not the Jets that wear green and white and dream of having a quarterback. (and I don’t mean change for vibrating bed)
batslugger

#6:  I hate bats. The kind that fly around at night and hang upside down. I never really realized my hatred and fright for this satanic creature until a couple of months ago when one appeared in my house. When I spotted an unfamiliar something on the floor, I kneeled down and got an up close look. To my horror, I knew what I was staring at. The problem was I didn’t know if it was alive or dead. I knew it probably wasn’t normal that a bat would be lying still on the floor, but what do I know? When animal control removed the disgusting critter they informed me it didn’t have many breaths left. Since this “bat incident” I have slept with a light on all night believing they will not go into the light. Then I remembered the bat signal. So, bat doors have been installed and I have checked by body for suspicious bites. I mean after all, how long was the asshole flying around my place making my home his very own Bat Cave? The only bat I want to be near is a Louisville Slugger. I always did like the feel of wood in my hands.

Abby Lee Miller - She's fucking scary!

Abby Lee Miller – She’s fucking scary!

#5:  I have thought about a way I could insert a sports reference here. I, however have failed. This bitch is just scary. If you don’t know who Abby Lee Miller is, thank your lucky stars. If you do, you can relate I’m sure. I have included her in a previous blog and she is so scary and evil she has once again made an appearance. If I saw Abby walking down the street, I would turn and sprint to the nearest alley and hope to be mugged by a homeless, dumpster diving bum instead of facing her. I just pray he leaves my quarters alone.

scarymack

#4:  This is a face that even scares the crap out of his team mascot making his mug total bullshit. Literally. That is all.

dolphins

#3:  Yes. Fish. I will not swim with them, I will not touch them, I will not eat them and I don’t ever want to smell like one. They are slimy and gross and you can try to convince me all you want that the shark in Jaws was a mechanical thing, but I know in my heart of hearts, that bitch be real.

eaglesfalconsseahawksravens

#2:  All of these pics have what in common? Yes geniuses, they are all birds. Ever since I was a young child and woke up in the middle of the night and watched The Birds, I have had nightmares of being trapped in a phone booth and being pecked to death by those evil, feathered bastards. In fact, I’m surprised I use Twitter so much with that little blue bird of death always staring at me. Please keep in mind that this does NOT include cute little, glorious red birds known as the Cardinals. They are God’s way of saying not all creatures that fly are satanic. Of course I am referring to the St. Louis Cardinals and not the Arizona variety.

And finally, what I fear the most……

brooklynbridgegolden gate

#1:   When I think about the Yankees, the 49’ers, the SF Giants and the Raiders I am reminded of my fear of bridges. I am terrified of bridges. Yes I said bridges, and the 2 most famous bridges in the country, the Brooklyn and Golden Gate, remind me of these teams every time I hear their names. I suppose I could throw in the A’s, but who really cares about them? Bridges crumble, fall and what happens? You end up in the water with what? That’s right, the damn fish that will eat you like those rotten kids in my neighborhood eat their sugar laced crack on Halloween.

Happy and safe Halloween to one and all.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesahalloween1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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