The Steelers Uniforms That Caused a Buzz

Posted: October 30, 2012 in Sports

As I attempted to focus my hungover eyes on my rather large HD television screen Sunday to watch the Steelers vs. Redskins game  anxiously awaiting a Pittsburgh victory to help ease the pain from the Sooners loss to Notre Dame the night before, I was somewhat surprised by the sickened feeling that washed over me. I shook my head in an attempt to clear the cob webs and there it was again: the feeling I experienced many years ago in 9th grade when I experienced my first dance with vodka followed by a kiss goodnight administered by the Marlboro Man. Yes, the Steelers uniforms were THAT bad. I wanted to puke 50 shades of black and gold thanks to what they call the throw back uniform. Throw back, my ass….more like throw UP.  I truly proved my love for the Steelers by watching the entire game even though I felt nauseated watching the big ass bumble bees running up and down Heinz Field.

I think perhaps the choice of uniform for that day was to satisfy those who still can’t get past the Ben Roethlisberger alleged rape scandal from a few years ago. There are still people out there who can’t and won’t let it go until they see him behind bars. How about prison stripes? Does this make you feel better?

So I thought by the 3rd quarter I would be used to this, but I was wrong. I did not appreciate the fact that, at one point I thought I was watching a prison rodeo and my beloved Steelers were let out for 1 Sunday afternoon only to make the Redskins their bitch outside of the big house. I mean, Washington did end up as Steeler bitches, but it would have been more pleasant to watch without the distraction of the 1930’s uniforms. All that was missing was the leather helmets. You KNOW James Harrison would have loved a piece of RGIII in nothing but leather on his head. So in an effort to make sure the team I know and love weren’t tagged as wearing the ugliest uniform in sports ever, I’ve decided to post what I consider even uglier uniforms in sports. These are in no way in order of their repulsiveness.

These very colorful uniforms were worn by a rugby team. I think the use of  pink, purple, and aqua bring out the fact that they are from France. I’m not sure whether or not I am turned on by the pink socks or want to drink a bottle of Pepto Bismol as they are subliminally suggesting. Leave it to the French to look like a child fingerpainted all over them and athletic at the same time. But what the hell is the ORANGE written across the front of the jersey? I’m not French, but I’m pretty sure that pink, blue and aqua do NOT make orange even over there. Oui?

Now these gems were worn by the Vancouver Canucks back in the late 70’s and early 80’s. The big V on the front of the jersey supposedly stands for Victory or Victorious. My theory is the V actually represents Vagina because I’m pretty sure the rest of the guys look just as much like a vagina on ice as this guy does. I know there’s a whole lot of weed smoking up in British Columbia, but come on, these are bad. Really, really bad. I for one thank the uniform Gods that Vancouver changed their colors. And logo. And uniforms.

No, this jersey was NOT worn by a female. This is a jersey from a soccer team called Colorado Caribous. A men’s soccer team. No, really. This team played in the North American Soccer League in 1978. Yes, just the one season in wich they had the worst record in the league. No shit. Who can play seriously in a jersey worn by Dale Evans when she was riding Roy Rogers bareback? It is not that shocking this team was only in existence for 1 year.

While we’re on the subject of Colorado – how about these beautiful Denver Nugget uniforms? Worn from 1982 to 1993 – wait – WHAT?  These things were worn for a decade??? No wonder they played like they were chasing the rainbow. It looks like a molded bag of Skittles threw up on them. Remember the movie Semi-Pro? Even the Tropics unis were better than these – and they had a fucking orange palm tree on them. At least you got to hear “Love Me Sexy” when watching that stupid movie. With these Nuggets jersey all you get is the desire to go color blind.

These beauts belong to the Montreal Canadiens. They wore these in 2001. From what I understand, Quebec wants to break away from the rest of Canada. After seeing these, I’m not sure why the rest of Canada doesn’t let them. I thought the Steelers black and gold stripes were bad……these make those uniforms pleasant to look at. Lay of the Molson, French Canadian uniform design guy.

Tuscon Toros – a minor league baseball team in Arizona. Apparently they are a farm team of the Houston Astros. I’m not sure when this uniform was worn, and I don’t care. I chalk this one up to another Skittles disaster.

“Hi. I play football for the University of Maryland where we don’t know what the fuck to do with our uniforms.”

weren’t for that award winning movie? What’s that you say? That movie never won an award? Not even for best costume design? Ripped off.

What the hell is it with hockey teams? The Quad City Mallards of the UHL apparently had a skate like a pirate night. The genius who had this idea should have been forced to walk the plank. After seeing these, Johnny Depp decided he will never, ever, EVER dress as a pirate again.

So as you can see, my Steelers indeed did NOT wear the ugliest uniform ever. Honestly, if they play like they did on Sunday in those, I don’t care if they wear them every damn Sunday. My eyes can adjust.

The Steelers victory and uniforms did distract me for a few hours, but then I remembered the reason for my hungover eyes trying to make sense of all those stripes. I tried to drink away the pain from the Sooners loss the night before. Like the examples of uniforms I have shown you here, it did not work. What did work for me however was holding a bottle of Irish whiskey in my hand and not getting called for holding it much like Notre Dame not getting called for holding against the Sooners.

On that note, I shall leave you with the image of the ugliest uniform on the planet. Don’t show the kids unless you’re prepared to have ‘the talk”, as it displays the reproductive system displayed on a helmet.

Hook em Ovaries

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

  1. fommytarr says:

    Some absolutely hideous kits! Surely Jimmy Sexton cannot look back on that period of his life with any pride!

  2. Jessy says:

    Damn would you stop about Montreal Canadian ! Don’t understand why you wanna come visit us! Stay in the usa

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