Bagel Heading vs. Peyton Manning

Posted: October 3, 2012 in Sports, Uncategorized

Apparently I was so caught up in the beginning of football season I fell behind in the Fall fashion frenzy. It’s a good thing both the Sooners and the Steelers were on a bye week this past weekend. It gave me a few minutes to catch up on the latest in vogue styles. After all, a girl needs to be up to date with the latest football stats and fashion, right?

Here’s what I discovered: Bagel Heading. If you haven’t heard of this, please let me give you the Cliff’s Notes version: Person walks in and sits down. Person gets a needle injecting 13.5 ounces of saline into forehead causing a giant welt. Person then has another person make an indention with the thumb into the middle of said welt to give the appearance of a bagel growing underneath the skin. I know it’s hard to grasp, but this is the latest body modification “fashion” coming out of Japan. I am not making this shit up – see for yourself:

What in the blue hell is wrong with these people? How much money is spent on Proactiv and shit to get rid of unsightly blemishes? Now, these geniuses decide to spend 2 hours in a chair getting saline injections into their foreheads to look like complete ass-faces. I’m not kidding – the next picture is of a chick that is now the true epitome of a butt head. Go ahead and look, you KNOW you want to.

Call me judgmental if you want, but I’m pretty sure this girl was already unattractive enough without having these injections to make it appear as if she is giving birth to a breech baby through her forehead. Seriously, looks like she has a small ass on her head. On the positive side of things, this could perhaps take the attention off the spider web tattoo coming out of her mouth. Oh, you didn’t notice? Look closer, you will also see fangs. Yes this bitch needed more attention. Oh, and she has a friend. (Just one, I’m sure)

This one has no fangs. In fact I’m not sure she has front teeth at all. I think they were scared into hiding by the barbed wire fence protruding from her nostrils. And why not go with one white eye to compliment beautiful red shit on her eyes? I don’t get it. Oh, and don’t you worry ladies, there are men partaking in this hot fad as well. You don’t think I would leave them out did you?

How women can keep their hands off this dashing duo is a mystery. A fucking mystery, I say. I know it’s October and Halloween is just around the corner, but come on. Even as perverted as I can be, I cannot find ANYTHING about these guys that would make me want to dust off the ole knee pads. Panty droppers they are not. I can just hear it now, “Hey baby, you know what they say about a guy with a big ass donut on his head, dontcha?” If I NEVER hear this line it would be too soon. There is a video online I watched of this process and when one guy (I think it’s a guy) completes the process, you could hear someone in the background saying how “cute” it looked.  Cute? What would be cute, MAYBE, is if Sinead O’Conner bageled both sides of her head and used that hair in a spray can shit on her head and she went as Princess Leia for Halloween.  These two guys above could go into a gay bar and get busy in the bathroom and come out as “Bagel Head with Cream Cheese.” I just don’t get it. If your face is already fucked up, why mess it up even more?

The more images I saw the more I was punished as visions of Peyton Manning began to torment my mind. Manning’s forehead is so big when he dreams he thinks he’s at a drive in. Seriously, he could be the poster boy for A Baker’s Dozen Bagels on his head. It made me want to call John Elway and tell him I have the perfect resolution to protect Peyton from future head injuries. In fact, maybe the whole NFL should take a listen. Just have Manning arrive at the stadium 2 hours earlier than the normal scheduled time. Sit him in a chair and inject saline into his head. Custom make a helmet that will fit around his saline injected head and voila! extra padding for when he gets his face knocked into the ground. I know he already has to have his helmets custom made – I mean his forehead is a planet. Think about it. This procedure would give the players a lot of extra padding, AND it only lasts about 16-18 hours before the body absorbs the saline and the welts go away like nothing ever happened.  Are you listening Roger Goodell? If you can use replacement refs for 3 weeks, then entertaining the thought of Bagel Heading in the NFL should be a no-brainer. After all, you want to protect the players, right? Just a suggestion.

Peyton Manning

I will leave you with one last thought: Bagel Heading………..WHAT THE HELL?

 

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

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Comments
  1. aj says:

    Lmao!!! I’m an ass man but I don’t want to see it on your forehead!!!

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