“Jose Can You Pee”: Shaq vs. Canseco

Posted: March 18, 2012 in Sports

This is dedicated to my dear friend, Kaulins Malone who fell asleep Thursday night and never woke up. Sweet dreams, my friend – you will be missed

Amidst the commotion of the NCAA Tournament and the “Where Will Peyton Play” saga unfolding, we have all ignored what is perhaps the most intriguing sports story since Rex Ryan took a part-time job at the Foot Locker. I know you may be asking yourself, what could be more exciting than THAT? It’s not what, but rather WHO.

It seems as though as Jose Canseco thinks he’s Kenny Powers.  Even Kenny Powers can stay long enough in the Mexican League to get a kick-ass nickname like La Flama Blanca. Canseco manages to get banned for allegedly refusing to take a doping test before he even plays one game.  He claims he told league officials he was taking prescribed testosterone drugs that are required for him to live because his body does not produce the hormone. My first question is: did he just confess to needing drugs to be more of a man? My second question is: If he did disclose that he is taking this substance, then why would he refuse to take the test? Could it be he is afraid the test could reveal other drugs in his system? Just a thought. Jose, you are a doped up, 47-year-old has been – time to swallow some more testosterone and man up.  I understand you experienced many glory days playing the game of baseball, but those days are clearly over. If you are having such a hard time believing that and feel you still have something to offer the sport, then take the damn test and play.

Kenny Powers (Eastbound and Down)

Instead of peeing in a cup and pursuing the Mexican League comeback road, Canseco has brilliantly decided to once again throw his hat into the MMA ring. I say “once again”  because he does have an MMA record. In May 2009 , he jumped into the cage with South-Korean kick boxer Choi Hong-man. 7’2″ – and 304 pounds……..I’m pretty sure his name translates into Hung-man in English. Well, unless he is into the roids like Canseco, then what a waste of a name.  Anyway, Jose made the journey to Yokohama, Japan to get his ass beat in 1 minute and 17 seconds by the Korean giant. Less than a minute and a half: this is Jose Canseco’s MMA record.  Apparently those seconds in Japan were not enough. Canseco has now taken to Twitter to accept a challenge from former NBA superstar,  Shaquille O’Neal.  Shaq as you know is 7’1″ and about 350 pounds.  Perhaps Jose is thinking the extra 45 pounds that Shaq has on the Korean is enough to slow him down enough to beat him. Canseco has trained with MMA fighters including Nick Diaz, Jake Shields, and Gilbert Melendez and he has a black belts in Kung Fu and Taekwondo.  Though somewhat impressive, those creds still did not help him beat Danny Bonaduce in some celebrity match that took place in January, 2009 in which that fight ended in a draw. Think about it, Jose. You couldn’t beat Danny fucking Partridge. What makes you think you can beat Shaq? Shaq’s not going to be at the free-throw line where he failed the majority of the time, he’s going to be using you as a towel to wipe his sweaty forehead.  That would actually be a plus for you: you get some cash for the fight AND when Shaq wipes his brow with you, maybe some of his sweat will seep into your fragile pores. Not only do you get paid,  you get a complimentary dose of Shaq testosterone.

Shaquille O'Neal

With the MMA bullshit, the reality show run, and your tattletale books, you, Mr, Canseco, have made it quite evident that you are desperate for the almighty buck. Becoming a man does not come cheaply.  What a damn shame you feel like you must be a negative media whore to make a living. It’s even a bigger shame that there are people out there that pay you to do so. I almost feel violated that I even know these things about you. I sure as hell won’t be watching you or buying your books.  There is a reason why when you were Hall of Fame eligible you only got 6 votes.  It takes 5% to assure a repeat spot on the ballot and you didn’t even get 2%. I’m almost sure the 6 votes you got were from voters who were drunk and dared to vote for you. I am well aware that 462 career home runs is a great accomplishment. I know you have  been distinguished four times with the Silver Slugger award: three times as an AL outfielder in 1988, 1990, and 1991, and once as a Designated Hitter in 1998. Yes, you did very well in the game of baseball. I know my opinion means nothing, but if Pete Rose cannot be in the Hall of Fame, you should never be considered. I have never condoned what Pete Rose did, BUT he never maliciously tried to ruin his fellow players careers and names like you did by shitting on them in tell all book. Not to mention the fact, that Pete Rose was a GREAT baseball player – you were merely good.  

Out of all the home runs you are credited for, I do have a favorite. As a lifelong baseball fan, I suppose I should thank you for the memory. In 1993, Carlos Martinez from the Cleveland Indians hit a fly ball that you lost sight of. The ball hit you on the head and bounced over the wall for a Martinez home run. I laughed my ass off that night and still do every time I think of that moment. Maybe it was that home run that caused you to be a bonehead – literally. I never realized that steroids made a human head powerful enough to knock it out of the park. Even more surprising is the fact that you didn’t get a major league soccer contract out of that. Yes, that was pure sports bloopers heaven.

Home run off Jose Canseco's empty head.

If this Shaq – Canseco fight happens, I would lay my money on Shaq – if I were a betting woman. Canseco is not a small man, but come on, as long as Shaq stays clear of the free throw line, he should be able to wipe the mat with this dumbass. I do have yet another question. I’m definitely not an MMA expert, but don’t they have a weight limit? Are they going to have to create a Shaq weight class? This is the only weight class Jose Canseco’s ego would fit into. Guess what, Jose, nobody cares about you anymore. You took care of that by letting your mouth run in your books. You’re going to be remembered in the game of baseball for 2 things: being a whistle-blower and having a ball bounce off your empty head for a home run scored to the opposing team. Jose Canseco,  in the immortal words of Kenny Powers: “You’re fuckin out.”

P.S. I’ve said it before and I will continue to say it: PETE ROSE BELONGS IN THE HALL OF FAME.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

email: leesa@shesaidsports.net

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Comments
  1. Pierre (Pieman) says:

    Solid..insulting! Canseco..really hey! I love it..way to go Leesa!

  2. aj says:

    LOL!!! Jenny powers is the man!!!

  3. aj says:

    Oops kenny, Damn autocorrect!!!

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