Who Blows Peyton Manning better?

Posted: March 11, 2012 in Sports

And so the Peyton Manning rock staresque tour has begun. As we all watched Manning bid a tearful adieu to the Colts organization on Wednesday, (and a classy farewell if I may add) many of the other teams raced to hair and make up to pretty themselves up for the impending courting of the now available NFL quarterback. Manning landed in Denver to meet with the Broncos yesterday. Today he is in Arizona for a meeting with the Cardinals. The paparazzi was there to meet him as he stepped off the private plane into a white SUV and was whisked off to Cardinals headquarters for a lunch date with coach Ken Whisenhunt. Shortly arriving after the ManningMobile was wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald to complete the threesome. It is not clear who will be on their knees first for the sucking of the golden cock.

It is reported that after the wooing in Arizona is over, the Manning Team Tour will continue in Miami. Miami would be a good fit for Peyton – after all, a lot of people retire to Florida. Come on folks, it’s not like he is a young guy anymore. What is 35 in NFL years? (36 in 11 days) Don’t get me wrong, I understand the accomplishments of Peyton Manning. He is a Super Bowl Champion and MVP. He is a an 11 time Pro Bowler. He has eleven 4,000-yard passing seasons. And so on and so on. Yes I get it – Peyton Manning: Great Quarterback. As a football fanatic, I respect everything he has done. However,  I can’t help but ask, is this almost 36-year-old worth all this fuss??? (please send all hate email to leesa@shesaidsports.net)

In May, 2011, Manning underwent surgery to alleviate neck pain and arm weakness. Arm weakness? That makes the pursuit of him a little clearer. After never missing an NFL game in his career, he then had to have cervical fusion surgery in September causing him to sit out the entire 2011 season. Ah, I understand now after actually saying (or typing) it out loud. He is RESTED. This is why he is the hot ticket. Maybe I’ve been in the Dominican Republic too long. Have I missed the jaw dropping film of Manning’s new-found arm strength? After the cervical fusion surgery did he have a fucking bionic arm installed into his youthful body of steel?  Perhaps I am misunderstanding. Is all this fuss over finding a kick-ass backup quarterback? I guess if you want to sell tickets, put Manning and Tim Tebow on the same team. Timmy can teach Peyton how to Tebow in the proper position so the cervical fusion won’t be unfused and Peyton can teach Timmy how to be a real NFL quarterback. (again, that’s leesa@shesaidsports.net.)

Wherever Manning ends up, he will sell tickets, this is a fact. What I want to know is, how much are the Manning on Tour t-shirts selling for? You know there’s got to be a marketing genius out there printing them as I am writing this, if they’re not already being distributed. And why the hell is there not a reality show following Manning on this whirlwind adventure?  There’s some REAL money. Can you imagine? Lifetime could pick the series up and air it following Dance Moms. Not to mention the fact that I’m pretty sure Abby Lee Miller would scare the piss out of Peyton, and no one wants to see that. After watching those crazy bitches, the comedy of errors of Manning on Parade would be a welcomed relief. Oh wait, Lifetime may not be the proper venue for such a show. HBO or Cinemax may be a better bet. RE: cock sucking that is happening in Arizona. Maybe Manning Mania can follow Eastbound and Down. Wait, what am I thinking? No one, not even Peyton Manning could EVER follow Kenny fucking Powers. No one. Maybe Where In the World is Manning Playing Football can be picked up by TLC. The combination of seeing Manning being flirted with by NFL teams and Toddlers and Tiaras is the perfect evening of primetime TV. And the Ultimate Supreme Title goes to……..

Abby Lee Miller - She's fucking scary!

Abby Lee Miller - She's fucking scary!

Why are people paying good money for billboards to entice Manning to come to their city? Wake up, dumb asses. It is clear that he will end up in Arizona – they’re the only team in the mix that has a dome. Peyton Manning wants his home field to be in a dome, not only to match his forehead, but because that is what he is used to. We don’t want poor, delicate Peyton to freeze to death in those cold ass Glendale, Arizona winters. After his surgeries, that coldness could make him feel like the old man that he is. Also, the Cardinals would be the best fit since they are used to dealing with an “older” quarterback. They’ve been down the Senior Citizens in the NFL road before with Kurt Warner. I give Peyton 1 – 2 seasons tops before we see him in sequins and twirling Anna Trebunskaya across the Dancing With the Stars floor.

Broncos would not be a good fit because it’s the wrong shade of orange. Will John Elway suggest the shade be changed to Tennessee orange to make Peyton feel more at home? Also, if I’m not mistaken, isn’t #18 retired in Denver? If  he doesn’t end up in Arizona, I do think he will end up as a Bronco. I don’t think Manning wants to be in the same division as Tom Brady at this point in his career, so Miami may not be the best choice for him. It will be a close toss up between Arizona and Denver because Elway could possibly sell the fact that if Manning wants another ring,  the Broncos will be the best bet. It may all come down to who gives the better blow job: Larry Fitzgerald or John Elway. Both have blow worthy mouths on them, it will be close.

Peyton, take my advice: Go to Arizona. Denver fans have proven how desperate they are. They embraced Tebow as the best thing to come to their city since Elway and are already wanting to toss him out like yesterday’s trash just at the thought of having you in a Bronco’s uniform. What happens when you don’t take them to the Super Bowl?  Just a thought.

Better yet, celebrate your 36th birthday as a retired Colt. You’ve had your glory days: a lot of them. Go out on top – don’t follow in Favre’s Croc wearing footsteps. You love the game – we get it – and sitting out the whole 2011 is not the way you want to go out, but think of the possibilities. You’re not going to have a bounty on your surgically repaired head if you’re in a broadcasting booth.

And one last question……why wasn’t Indianapolis as willing to keep their modern day hero as others are to make him theirs?

I MISS FOOTBALL.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

email: leesa@shesaidsports.net

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Comments
  1. aj says:

    LOL!!! Love the dome comment!!!! Nice job leesa!!

  2. soonerleesa says:

    thanks, aj……my only and biggest fan!!!

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