Does God prefer Tebowing or waving a Terrible Towel?

Posted: January 8, 2012 in Sports

I woke up and it is wild-card Sunday. It seems like just yesterday I was drafting players for my fantasy football teams, and now here we are, folks the NFL playoffs. As you already know, the Texans and Saints won yesterday and today the Giants face the Falcons and the Steelers face the Broncos. This is a big day for me. My beloved Steelers are going to get Rocky Mountain high and the Falcons – the only other team in the NFL I feel any positive emotion for are playing the Giants.

I will start with the Falcons-Giants. Can Matt Ryan show up as a big-game quarterback today? Playing this Giants team, he is going to have to be. The game is in Giants stadium and say what you will about Eli Manning, he has shown up this season and played like the Manning quarterback we expect to see. He seems to be enjoying being the ONLY Manning adding stats to his NFL career this season as his brother Peyton could only watch from the Colts sidelines with a pain in the neck. But, this Falcons team can be pretty damn good. Yes, the Giants seem to have the Ryan’s number – they beat Rob Ryan’s defense twice this year, and Rex Ryan two weeks ago. Will Matt Ryan be their latest victim? Although realistically, let’s face it, beating Rex Ryan can be compared to beating a team in the Lingerie Football League. (I apologize for the visual of Rex Ryan in lingerie. I too, just threw up in my mouth a little.)  Yes, Matt Ryan is 0-2 in post season play, but so was Eli Manning in 2007. I think we all remember what happened that season. Yes, the Falcons are a “dome” team playing the Giants at home outdoors, however, it seems as though Mother Nature may have a little crush on the Falcons because it is supposed to be 40 degrees at game time. 40 degrees is a gift in that part of the country and the predicted winter precipitation never showed up so the weather should not be a factor.  Yes, I am rooting for the Falcons. More than anything, I want to see the Atlanta defense show the world what they’re all about. Especially that number 24 kid. Show me the pick 6, Dominique Franks, make me proud.  I want to be doing the “Dirty Bird” at the end of the game. Put the brakes on Manning and Cruz.

Yes, I am obligated to cheer for the Falcons, but let’s move on to THE game of the day: Steelers at the Broncos. This game will be, unfortunately closer than people think. First of all, the Steelers always play down to their opponents. That’s not good news since, well……since the Broncos suck. Yeah, I said it. This Denver team back-doored their way into the play-offs. This is an 8-8 team that lost their last 3 games. The only reason these guys won the AFC West is because Oakland lost last week. These Broncos did not earn their play-off spot. Argue all you want, Denver fans, but those are the facts. You can worship at the Church of Tebow all you want, but we will soon see which Diety attends today’s game.  The one who wears a Tebow jersey, or the one who waves a Terrible Towel.

I will admit that the football gods have seemed to bless this Denver team by granting some small favors. Playing in Denver is one of those. Steeler safety, Ryan Clark will not be playing in the game because of a sickle-cell trait that becomes aggravated when playing at higher elevations. Even a bigger loss is running back Rashard Mendenhall who tore his ACL last week against Cleveland. This leaves Pittsburgh with Isaac Redman and rookie John Clay as the only healthy running backs on the Steeler roster. Then there is of course, the infamous banged up Ben Roethlisberger ankle. He will be playing with a severely sprained ankle that he received Dec. 8th against the Browns.  (Fucking Browns, I’m beginning to think their sole purpose in the NFL is to bring harm to the Pittsburgh Steelers) Ben himself  said Wednesday that his ankle feels like a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. But, this is Ben Roethlisberger and he has proven that he is not your normal human being when it comes to injury. (or banging bitches in bathrooms) These losses are significant, absolutely, but in my opinion, the biggest loss of all may just be center Maurkice Pouncey. So not only is Ben playing injured, he will be missing a tremendous blocker in Pouncey. Clearly Ben will not be able to extend the plays like he does so well, and he will be limited in his mobility and throwing the long ball. Despite the suckiness of the Denver Broncos, this game will be tough on the Steelers offense. The question is, can a 50% Big Ben beat a healthy Tim Tebow? I’m willing to say yes. But what would Jesus do?

Yes, I went there. Tim Tebow, if you are reading this, I hope when you are kneeling on the sideline today, you are praying you don’t have a face to face meeting with James Harrison. He could send you to your meeting with Jesus faster than you can say John Elway. Being one-dimensional can send you skipping down the road paved of gold and through the pearly gates when you play the Pittsburgh Steeler defense. BUT, if you do have the good Lord on your side, then who can argue that? With the Steelers personnel that will be absent on the field today, you may actually have a shot. A shot in hell, and I don’t think you would fit in. Because of my big heart, I will be Tebowing for you to come out of this game with your virginity still in tact. You may be sorry you never got any good use out of it, because Harrison just may break your cock along with your pride.

I will end with this: the Steelers are the better team. They are the more experienced team. Not only will they be playing for their brothers in black and gold that can’t be on the field today, they will be playing for their running backs coach, Kirby Wilson who was severely burned in a house fire Friday morning. They will be playing to crush the orange.

May everyone walk away injury free. And may Tim Tebow have an ample supply of depends to wear during the game because he will probably piss his pants when the Steel Curtain comes to worship at the Church of Tebow. I wonder if you piss holy water?

It is now Monday, and after a plethora of hate mail and negative comments, I am adding to this by saying: MY STEELERS DID NOT LOSE TO THE BRONCOS, THEY GOT BEAT BY THE BRONCOS. I make no excuse for it other than Timmy Tebow had his way with our defense, and we could not produce enough offense to match it. I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong people, but for fuck’s sake, lighten up. How many times do I have to tell you people, that when I write, most of the time it is with intense sarcasm. (at least here, anyway) I don’t really hate Tim Tebow – I do not know him. I hate the media circus that surrounds him and I hate how the rest of the team gets virtually no credit for their victories. I will become a true Tebow follower when he gets a Super Bowl ring. Until then…..I still look at him as a mediocre quarterback who beat my beloved Steelers to move on to face the Patriots. Believe it or not, I will kind of be rooting for the Broncos to miraculously beat them because I am a Hatriot.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

email: leesa@shesaidsports.net

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Comments
  1. MELINDA says:

    (singing) To the Towel be the glory great things He hath done. So loved He the world that He gave us Big Ben.

    Wave bye to Tebow as he plays his last NFL game.

  2. Yet another outragously funny and entertaining post from shesaidsports. You really raise the bar on creative writing Leesa!

  3. Jay Miller says:

    Listen I am not a Tebow fan as a QB but he did a number on the Steelers. Tebow haters keep getting proved wrong every week. A lot of hating going on in your article about Tebow. 8-8 record is definitely not a way to close out a divisional championship but it is what it is. All the more reason for the Steelers to have won this game….but no, one dimensional Tebow threw all over the Steelers. Yeah yeah yeah, excuses excuses the Steelers were banged up. Who would of thought, Tebow would have his best throwing game against the Steelers….where was James Harrision??? He sure as hell wasn’t sending Tebow to the pearly gates thats for sure. Tebow was serving him the WORD on a yellow and black platter. Looks like the Church of Tebow pissed holy water all over the steel curtain….and that curtain is still dripping with holy water. Not a Broncos fan but you got to give credit where credit is due.

    • soonerleesa says:

      First of all, I don’t really HATE Tim Tebow – I don’t know him. I hate the media circus that surrounds him, and I hate that none of the other players on his team get credit for anything. It’s all in good fun. I hardly think Tim Tebow, or his family is reading this. If they are, then I’m getting more exposure than I thought.
      Secondly, there are no excuses for the Steelers loss yesterday, well other than we sucked and Tebow had his way with our defense. Broncos fought hard and deserved to win the game. I have no problem admitting when I am wrong. However, I do write with a LOT of sarcasm, and if it pisses people off, so be it.
      Thanks for the comment, trust me, I’ve been eating crow for 12 hours now.

  4. aj says:

    Belated apologies for the loss, I guess Ryan Clark makes that big of a difference 😦

  5. Beula Vantol says:

    Fantastic article. Sustain up the wonderful work.

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