WHY I SHOULD NEVER WATCH ANYTHING THAT IS NOT SPORTS

Posted: December 29, 2011 in Uncategorized

THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND JAIME; THE MOST COURAGEOUS PERSON I KNOW.

Here’s problem number 1: I had knee surgery 2 days ago and I am stuck on my couch watching tv for a while. Unless there is a game of some kind on, I am generally not a good tv watcher. Trying to find something to watch in the middle of the day is a challenge. I suppose watching the eleventy billion sports channels is an option, but the issue with that is after an hour, I am hearing the same things over and over. This is a dilemma. My surgery was done Monday and I came  home on Tuesday morning. That is all I really remember from both of those days. So here we are at Wednesday afternoon and my plans consist of: using my crutches to walk to the mailbox. Yep, that’s it. After that mission was accomplished, I decided to actually watch tv – something other than sports. So after popping a pain pill, making a bathroom trip before the pill kicks in, and positioning my pillows just right in order to properly prop my knee, I grabbed the remote and prepared to relax – literally – by watching some tv. (with the help of a little pill called Percodan.)

So, on goes my tv. I am shocked (sarcasm) that it is on a sports channel. I am compelled to watch for a half hour or so. By this point, I’m starting to feel pretty good. I am still conscious enough to remember to move my foot up and down and around in circles – 10 times  – as the doctor prescribed. While concentrating on counting to ten, I lost control of my remote. Apparently during the act of being lost,  some buttons were pushed and it landed on a channel that was airing the most disturbing, scary, and evil thing I have ever seen on tv. I have heard about this, but have never witnessed it. In fact, I was tempted to pop another perc just to make sure that if I had a nightmare about this, I would be so far under I would never remember it. Of course I didn’t, I wanted to make sure I had extra just in case the Sooners fuck up their bowl game. That won’t happen, BUT, just in case.

I’m sure you’re asking, “what is this disturbing show?” I will tell you, but I want to make sure you get the kids out of the room as I reveal the name of this disgusting, show produced by Satan himself. The hell in HD I was forced to watch is called……… Toddlers and Tiaras. I accept your condolences and concern, thank you. I wasn’t sure if what I was watching was a drug induced illusion or if this satanic channel called TLC really airs such a reality series showcasing a cruel form of child abuse.

Let me just start by saying to the parents of these children: WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? After torturing myself by watching, not 1, but 2 hours of this shit, I was very sad that I couldn’t call my mom and dad and thank them for allowing me to live a normal, dysfunctional childhood. I never want to hear anyone bitch about sports parents again. Seriously, there is something not right about this child pageant business. There is nothing anyone could tell me to convince me that the majority of these little girls (and yes, some boys) WANT to be in pageants. How does a 3 or 4-year-old know what she wants to do? During a commercial break there was a commercial for an upcoming episode where a 3-year-old (so it appeared) was getting her hair done. Now when I say “getting her hair done” I mean a hairpiece applied, or a weave – whatever they call it – screaming at the top of her lungs. I’m not sure, but I think the hair piece was possibly being hot glued to the top of her head. As she was screaming bloody murder, her mother was telling her how much fun it is. The toddler in return screams “This is NOT fun.” HELLO???  I’m all jacked up on percodan, and even I know this child is not enjoying this. Then there’s the child pageant’s favorite accessory: the flipper. The what? As I am watching, I am hearing a mother explaining to her 5-year-old that she needs to try on her flipper to ensure it fits correctly. Her FLIPPER? How the hell can wearing a dolphin from a 1960’s tv show help a kid win a beauty pageant? Come to find out, a flipper is actually fake teeth. God knows, we can’t have these little girls go onstage without their false teeth in.  This should be something for the grown-up Miss USA contestants. Can you imagine? Every male judge would be drooling just fantasizing about Miss West Virginia strutting her stuff across the stage during the swimsuit competition. He’s thinking, “Oh yeah, baby, bonus points if you meet me backstage, take out your teeth, and gum me until the evening gown competition.” Actually, if it were Miss West Virginia, she’d be used to wearing false teeth.

Problem #2: I cannot find my damn remote control.

Anyway,   I don’t even know where to start describing the make-up they paint on these little girls faces. Picture Tammy Faye Baker as a toddler. Come to think of it, Tammy Faye kinda talked like a toddler as I recall. Maybe she was a victim of toddler beauty pageants in her childhood. You know sometimes, the more I type, the more sense I make. And not only do they paint their faces, they paint their entire bodies. They put these little girls in a pop-up tent and spray tan them. Understandable. If you’re going to display your child like a puppet on a stage, you may as well make them look like they just returned from the Caribbean. I even heard a father ask a mother why she is spray tanning their black child. Her reply: “Because our black child will look white compared to the other white girls on stage because they spray tan so much.” I’m not sure who was more confused, him or my perked out self. Speaking of the dads,  there are actually “pageant dads” to go along with the psychotic pageant moms. These guys can tease a weave better than that bitch on Jerseylicious. The little girls that belong to these dads are surely adopted or stolen, because there is no way in hell these guys laid down with a woman to create a baby. There are so many people out there that want children and can’t have them, yet somehow these people end up with them.

I think my least favorite was a woman from, I’m ashamed to admit it, Oklahoma who said she always dreamed of having a little girl so she could put her into pageants. I’m not sure why she never had her own – I couldn’t get past the fact that she said she wanted to have a girl so she could put her in pageants – but she then said she prayed that she would meet someone who had a 5-year-old little girl and marry him so she could take her to pageants. Lo and behold, her dreams came true and she met a single dad with a 5-year-old daughter and they got married. As she told her story, she prayed and prayed and until God told her that her step-daughter should not be in pageants, she will continue to enter her in them. WOMAN…..you confused Him – He thought you said CHRISTMAS pageants. I’m not sure if this is a sin or not, but it should be. This woman prayed over the weave before she brushed it out. She prayed over the fake nails she put on her step-daughters fingers. She prayed over the dresses she was dressing her in and she prayed over the spray tanning gun so the tan she was about to paint on this 5-year-old would look even and natural. This is when I could take no more. I refused to watch a step-mother Tebowing over the glitter eye shadow that she was about to brush on this child’s eyes. I bet Tim Tebow doesn’t even pray over the make-up he puts on himself.

Like I warned you, this is a disturbing, frightening show. We, as a society wonder why kids at school are bullied? Could it be that parents are so damn judgmental and expect their child to be so perfect and look a certain way that when they go to school, the kids take their anger out on the kids that are allowed to be themselves or appear to be different? These parents are creating social nightmares. I feel sorry for these girls. They are going to have a hard time looking in the mirror without out the glitz and accept themselves for what they really look like. Let them be in pageants when they are old enough to choose to be in one. Until then, let them grow up dreaming of being a princess instead of trying to turn them  into one because you were never prom queen. Kids should be able to have the right to choose who and what they want to be and should like what they look like without all the pomp and circumstance. People should not be judged by what they look like and how they dress. We should not judge people at all. This lesson should be taught to our children. Let them grow up and just be themselves. Sometimes that’s hard enough. Thank God (and Tim Tebow) that I located my remote.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @soonerleesa

EMAIL: leesa@shesaidsports.net

 

 

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Comments
  1. Eunice Watts says:

    I think you should write more if these while you’re still taking this drug!

  2. Ouch:( On the knee and especially on being subjected to the worst of reality TV. Whenever I lament how my childhood was not exactly what I thought it should have been, I will remember to thank God and Tim Tebow that it was not this!!

    Thanks for your well written (albeit percocet induced) insight. You know, Edgar Allen Poe did his best writing (Hell probably all his writing) under the influence of opiates! Keep it up! Your newest fanADDICT, Jaime:)

  3. justjilligan0724 says:

    hahahah “just in case” glad you have some foresight to save the perc… hell you might need a refill! I watched a CSI type show that was based on the mother of a tierra toddler who was murdered with an actual tierra – I think they ruled it justifiable homicide =D

    Keep ’em coming Leesa!

  4. aj says:

    Tutorials on how not to raise your kids LOL!!! Those padgents are stripper starter kits.

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