College Football and Vagisil

Posted: September 10, 2011 in Sports

It’s only the second weekend of college football and my beloved Sooners already have a bye. This leaves me with A: A lot of other games to watch and B: Idle time on my hands to write an article about the games I have been watching so far.

 It’s almost 5pm Tulsa time – so todays “big game” has yet to be played. I am referring to Michigan and Notre Dame set for kickoff later tonight. Speaking of this game, you would think that these 2 teams collectively have found a cure for cancer because they are playing a night game for the first time in the Big House. That’s all they seem to be talking about on ESPN. Football at night? No way. Hey baseball, take note, these guys may be on to something.  Seriously, relax people. A fucking switch is being flipped – it’s not like the fans are all being asked to fly kites with a key attached to the string and hope for a storm. Oh that’s right, that couldn’t happen because if there is lightning within 6 miles, the game will be called off/postponed.

One of the games I am currently watching while writing this is Oregon vs. Nevada. The only “game” being played here is to see how high the Ducks are going to run the score up on the Wolf Pack. The score is 41-7 at halftime. This is of course, an Oregon team who lost their season opener to LSU in Dallas. So what we have is a bunch of pissed off Ducks. More importantly, every Saturday is Fashion Week with this team. Today’s ensemble apparently came from the Vera Wing’s “Just Say No to Green” Collection. (No, that is NOT a typo – Vera WING is of course the designer to the Ducks.) They are sporting neon yellow jersey’s with grey pants and numbers. Their helmets are a glittering silver glistening  under the Eugene sun with a yellow O on the side shining just as bright. I’m not sure why they don’t set up a runway and have Tyra Banks show their pictures one by one as they strut their young, athletic bods down the middle of the field as they are being introduced instead of running out of a tunnel. It’s a good thing the Oregon cheerleaders remembered the school colors. They are, indeed in yellow AND green. (make that score 48-7 by the time this paragraph was finished thanks to an Oregon scoring punt return) Yawn.

I did watch most of the Auburn – Mississippi State game. I love games with a dramatic ending, and this one was. The Bulldogs were this (__) close to tying the score with 10 seconds to go, but somehow, someway Auburn finds a way to stop the touchdown and win yet another game. I’m beginning to think Jesus wears an orange and blue robe on Saturdays.  I bet if he does it’s #34 with hand stitched JACKSON on the back. Now THERE’S a football players name: Jesus Jackson. Seriously, who is gonna tackle Jesus?

SCORE UPDATE: Oregon 55  NEVADA 13     Still 3rd quarter. I smell a comeback.

So now let’s touch on the most entertaining game of the day. Wisconsin Badgers and the Oregon State Beavers. I must warn you. If you do not appreciate 12 year old humor, then you should stop reading right now. Oh, and by the way, a badger is a weasel – in case you didn’t know – that bit of information may come in handy in a minute. It all started with the kick off. The announcer says “Parker is the deep man for the Beavers.”  I know, all you guys are thinking, lucky bastard. But wait. It gets better. First of all, I found it ironic that the quarterback for the Beavers last name is Katz. I’ll give you a second or 2 on that one.   ——— Then I hear “3 and out for the Beavers.” I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a good night to me.  One of the few times that Oregon State was actually moving the ball, Mr. Announcer says ” Good protection for the Beavers.” So does this mean there’s a slim chance the beaver contracts an STD or perhaps avoids an unwanted pregnancy? At least they’re responsible. There is no way I could broadcast a Beaver game without being fired from giggling at the innuendos throughout the entire game. I mean come on, when I heard, “Peter is blocking the Beaver” you can’t convince me this wasn’t said on purpose. At one point of the game I heard “There is an injured Beaver on the field.” Hello Tampax…….why aren’t you sponsoring this team? If the beaver is a bleedin, Tampax is there to save the day. Perhaps they prefer Always with wings, I don’t know. I would think a tampon would be more comfortable when tackling a bunch of weasels – but that’s just me.  As I went on a Facebook and Twitter posting frenzy, my friend replied telling me his girlfriend was watching a Wisconsin game last year and mistakenly thought the announcers were saying Vagers instead of Badgers. There’s a game for ya – Beavers vs. Vagers. Welcome to collegiate lesbian football. Beavers and Vagers tackling each other and rolling around the field like a pool full of jello. And of course, like the Florida Gators introduced Gatorade on the sidelines, the Vagers would have an endless supply of Vagisil waiting to be squirted and rubbed all over the head coach when there is victory.

Speaking of hearing things wrong, as I continued to watch the weasels pounding the beavers, I mistook a name myself. The Beavers have a kicker named Hekker. I thought I heard……..well you do the math. That’s right, if he makes the kick,  Pecker scores for the Beavers. Pecker missed. The final score of this game was 35-o showing that the Badgers weasled their way down the field and penetrated the Beavers zone a lot. I did see a couple of nice sacks from the Beavers, which frankly just confused me. Oregon State could not stop Wisconsin – in fact, as my friend pointed out, you could drive a Mack truck through that gaping hole in the Beavers line. When all is said and done, I pray to the college football scheduling Gods that they schedule a game between the Beavers and Game Cocks.

Oh yeah, I bet the Vagers uniforms would be slick! 

And so I wait for tonight’s game and the miracle of stadium lighting in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Go Blue.

FINAL SCORE UPDATE: NEVADA 20  (and ironically) OREGON  69.  You can’t make this shit up.


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  1. The Beavers’ D was penetrated all day.

  2. aj says:

    Did the beavers chose to defend the north where the exit tunnel is Lmao!!!

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