The Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Football

Posted: August 28, 2011 in Sports

This is dedicated to AJ – my biggest and one of my original fans. If it weren’t for fantasy football, we would not have ever met.

I recently bought the 2011 Fantasy Football Guide on my way to work. As it lay on my desk I noticed a couple of girls looking at it like it was covered in Anthrax. “Who left that on your desk?” When i gave the answer that it is mine, they asked why I would spend money on a magazine that is not Cosmo or Vogue. When I attempted my explanation of my fantasy football, they looked at the cover and said “oh,  well he looks like he could be sorta cute.” The “he” they were referring to is Aaron Rodgers. After this conversation, I decided it was time to make a SheSaidSports Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Football. Please bear in mind that during this research, I have proven something I already knew: most professional football players are not that physically attractive. Yes, they all have smoke shows for wives and girlfriends, but let’s be real. It’s because a professional athlete is like a rock star and has a fat wallet. With that being said,  this is not your normal fantasy football guide – this one is for the girls. I have even added some visual aid for my number one picks. I am going to list my choices in the same order the magazine does which means I am starting off with the quarterback position. Now being the educator that I am, I will briefly describe what the quarterback’s role for his team is. A play usually begins when the quarterback takes a snap from the center and then either hands off to a running back or a receiver, passes to a receiver or a running back, runs the ball himself, spikes the ball or takes a knee. He is known as the play caller in huddles. Now, according to the magazine, the top 3 choices for someone’s fantasy team are: the cover boy himself, Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers), Michael Vick (Philadelphia Eagles), and Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints). While I cannot argue with these picks, I will reveal the SheSaidSports picks for MY fantasy team:

Mark Sanchez – New York Jets  Stats: Height: 6-2   Weight: 225   Age: 24   Sanchez is in his 3rd season in the NFL and he played college ball at USC.  I’ll be real honest, there weren’t any QB’s that moistened my panties, but Mark’s last name helped him win this title. After all, after looking at this GQ picture, what girl wouldn’t want a little Dirty Sanchez? My runner-up are Matt Cassel (KC Chiefs) and, as bad as I hate to say it, Tom Brady (New England Patriots).

The next position is running back. The running back carries the ball on most running plays and is also frequently used as a short-yardage receiver. Running backs, along with the wide receivers, are generally the fastest players on the offensive team. These guys are sometimes referred to as tail-backs or half-backs. According to the magazine, the top 3 choices for running back are Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings AND former Oklahoma Sooner – BOOMER!), Arian Foster (Houston Texans), and Chris Johnson (Tennessee Titans). All good choices, statistically. Let me just say this is my favorite position. (that’s what she said) When abbreviated, running back is RB which is so appropriate because my choice for number 1 RB is RB himself:

Reggie Bush. Stats: Height: 6-0   Weight: 203   Age: 26               This Reggie’s 6th season in the NFL and also played college ball at USC. This season he will be taking his talents to Miami. Now Reg has had a rough go of it lately. The break up of him and Kim Kardashian, he had to give up his 2005 Heisman Trophy and the Saints traded him to the Dolphins. Don’t you worry, Reggie, I have an award for you, it’s called the Hymen Trophy and you can have mine. Reggie Bush is hot, hot, hot. That is all. Oh yeah, the runners-up: Ryan Matthews (San Diego Chargers), and Jahvid Best (Detroit Lions)

Moving right along to wide receiver. The wide receivers are speedy pass-catching specialists. However, they can be bigger if they still can get open and catch the ball. Their main job is to run pass routes and get open for a pass, although they are occasionally called on to block. Fantasy Football Guide selects the following 3 as their top WR picks: Andre Johnson (Houston Texans), Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions), and Roddy White (Atlanta Falcons). As hard as it is to believe, my choices do not match the magazines’. My number 1 WR?

Danny Armendola – St. Louis Rams. Stats: Height: 5-11   Weight: 186   Age: 25  This is his 3rd season and he did NOT play college ball at USC. He played for Texas Tech. He maybe the 52nd choice of the magazine that declares itself the “Professional Edition” , but in the world of SheSaidSports, he is number 1 – and I consider myself a professional woman. The runner ups? Miles Austin (another K.Kardashian reject and a Da…Dall….Dallas Co – sorry my keyboard will not allow me to type those words) and Austin Collie (Indianapolis Colts).

Now let’s touch on the tight end. Tight ends play on either side of, and roughly next to, the tackles. They are a mix between a blocker and a pass receiver. The magazine chooses Dallas Clark (Colts), Antonio Gates (Chargers), and Jermichael Finley (Packers). All good choices, but I do admit if I HAD to pick from these 3, I would choose Finley before the other 2. Although tight end sounds like sexiest of positions, I could only find 1 guy that was worthy enough to make this list. Call me judgmental, but remember, I am creating a fantasy for a girl. Who has won the position tight end on team?

Brent Celek – Philadelphia Eagles  Stats: Height: 6-4   Weight: 255   Age: 26   Brent is entering his 5th season in the NFL after playing college ball at Cincinnati. Next time you pose for a picture, Brent, please lose the wedding ring. There are maybe some girls that are scouting you for their fantasy team that actually have morals and consider discovering what becomes between you and your Calvin Kleins as wrong. But before you let your ego swell from this honor, please remember you won because there was really no competition.

That brings us to the most important position of all. (enter sarcasm) The kicker. The kicker is considered part of the special teams.  He andles kickoffs and field goal attempts, and in some cases, punts as well. I have actually won fantasy games because of the points that the kicker has given me. The top 3 in the “guide” are Stephen Gostkowski (NE Patriots), Nate Kaeding (San Diego Charges), and Sebastian Janikowski (Oakland Raiders) Once again, I will not argue these selections. I, however once again, have  completely different choices. My top kicker is:

Garrett Hartley – New Orleans Saints  Stats: Height: 5-8   Weight: 196   Age: 25               This is Garrett’s 4th year in the NFL and kicked many balls for drumroll, please…..THE University of Oklahoma. (please stand up and clap while I sing Boomer Sooner as loud as I can) Not only did he go to Oklahoma, he also kicked the winning FG to against the Vikings to send them to Super Bowl XLIV in which they beat the Colts. He became the first kicker in Super Bowl history to convert three field goals of 40 yards or more. Hartley is now the highest paid kicker in the league. I’m sure it’s because of getting his education at OU. Hartley is just cute – especially his hair. He’s got the kind of hair that I like to describe as “freshly fucked.” Boomer Sooner, Garrett! Runner ups include Neil Rackers (Houston) and Ryan Succop (KC)

So there you have it – the major offensive positions that are used in fantasy football.   In most leagues I play in we pick an entire defence/special teams so I’m not going to break those down. I will tell you that my first choice every single year for defense is the Pittsburgh Steelers. This will not surprise anyone that knows me. If the Steelers are already picked when it comes my turn, I will pick the Atlanta Falcons because I feel a special bond with their defense. There are a couple of leagues I’m a part of where we select a head coach. This selection is usually used as a tie breaker – if the coach’s team wins, you are given 1 point. So now I will reveal to you my number 1 coach pick.

Jim Harbaugh – San Francisco 49’ers. Stats: Height: 6-3   Weight: 215   Age: 47   I have been in love with Jim Harbaugh since he played as a Chicago Bear and an Indianapolis Colt in the 80’s and 90’s. I went to Kansas City to watch the Colts play the Chiefs just because of him. It was there, in Arrowhead Stadium where we fell in love. By “fell in love” I mean acted out the ultimate stalker stunt. I hung over the tunnel with 2 guys each holding a foot keeping me from falling as he made his way up the ramp at halftime. I was professing my love for him and it was right then and there we made eye contact and the rest is history. When security body slammed me against the wall and escorted me out of the stadium, I knew they had instructions to take me to the Colt’s team bus where I would wait for Jimmy and we would happily ride away in the sunset together. Damn Chiefs security stole my love story away and escorted me out a tunnel alright. The tunnel was called Stadium Exit and made sure I made it to my car. To this very day I curse the security of Arrowhead Stadium. This will be Jim’s first year as an NFL coach, coming from a successful tenure at Stanford. I will now pay closer attention to the 49ers. Jim, call me when you’re ready to add 20 to your team’s name. I suppose it is required that I have his brother John as honorable mention since he could potentially be my brother-in-law one day. But the real runner-up is:

Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers. Mike, you are the epitome of cool.

You coach my beloved Steelers and you have swagger. I didn’t think I would approve of anyone replacing Bill Cowher so quickly, but you had me at Super Bowl XLIII. Mike also happened to play, you guessed it – my favorite position of running back….just like Reggie Bush.

So there you have it – the first annual SheSaidSports Fantasy Football Team. It’s a start for those of you are not fantasy football educated. Fantasy Football…….I love you.

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  1. Jim says:

    Kim Kardashian is pretty but her actions make her UGLY. Reggie Bush is ripped, but he has caused so much trouble for everyone associated with him in the football sense therefore he is UGLY too… Sorry Leesa, but selfish arrogant pricks such as Reggie and Kim “Pee on Me” K make me sick

  2. aj says:

    Thanks for the shout out!!! Your true fan for life, we’ll always have pancakes Lmao!!!! Hope you got your headset!!!!

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