Chuck E. Cheese vs. Gambling

Posted: May 18, 2011 in Uncategorized

If I were an animated singing and dancing mouse, I would be pissed off.

A woman in San Diego is suing Chuck E. Cheese, claiming that kids who go there are at risk of developing serious gambling habits. Really? Her name is Debbie Keller, the mother of 3- and 5-year-old children, and she claims the facilities’ games are illegal gambling devices. She’s seeking $5 million in the lawsuit. REALLY?

According to this obviously dilusional woman, the machines that provide entertainment to millions of kids (and adults) are like slot machines, distributing tickets instead of coins. Debbie says Chuck E. Cheese arcade games are contributing to the gambling addiction of children. She doesn’t have a problem with Skee Ball though because it takes “skill.” I’m sure the infinite number of professional Skee Ball players would agree.

Debbie, you stupid, money hungry, ignorant, attention seeking bitch. Why don’t you take it a step further and also tack on charges that the carbs in the pizza and the sugar in the soda are contributing to the childhood obesity problem? Oh, and the birthday cake they serve?….don’t forget the common “the cake made my child bounce off the walls all night and stressed me out” charges. 

I am diagnosing you with terminal concussion, Deb. I’m pretty sure you were one of the moles in a human “Whack – A – Mole” game when you were younger and some red headed, freckle – faced kid beat the fuck out of your brain with an oversized mallet and laughed all the way to his neighborhood bookie and cashed in all those tickets for a bottle of Tickle Pink and candy cigarettes. I cannot think of another excuse. Whack – A – Mole, by the way is a game of skill as well. It takes tremendous eye-hand coordination to whack those little bastards. You want 5 million dollars. FIVE MILLION DOLLARS. Aren’t you in fact “gambling” when you pay a lawyer to sue this company? I mean a lawsuit really is just a game of chance isn’t it? There are no guarantees. And if you lose the lawsuit, you don’t even get to choose a rubber ball or fake plastic jewlery as a consolation. You are just shit out of luck. The only winner is, that’s right, Johnny Lawyer.

Whatever happened to the days of teaching your children right from wrong – or your perception of right from wrong? I, myself don’t have a problem with gambling. In fact I lost my virginity in college because I was “won” in a bet. (it’s a beautiful, romantic story actually. It involved kegs, frat boys, and a van down by the river.)  If it weren’t for gambling, I wouldn’t be the lady I am today. It’s the same thing as drinking and smoking. Should there be an age limit? Absolutely. But I hate to break the bad news to you, but your sweet little cherubs are going to one day develop their own minds and do certain things that you might not quite agree with. (Unless of course you keep them in a bubble their entire lives.) Kids should be taught to know how to make choices and learn from the wrong ones they will inevitably make. I happen to know plenty of gamblers, and they are good, productive members of society. It is their choice how they spend their money, and living in the land of the free, there should be no one telling them how to do so. My father was one of them. He was a bonafide gambling addict, and yet the greatest man I knew. I always had a decent home, our family was fed, and we had nice clothes to wear. My first car was purchased I’m sure from a rather large victory ran by a horse.

When I was a kid, my dad gave me numbers and dollar figures to quote to “Uncle Glenn” when he called. I had no idea my “Uncle Glenn” was a bookie and I was making bets for my dad. I turned out ok. Well, I am addicted to Fantasy Football and I will make the occassional single bet – you know for sexual favors or maybe a jersey or cap, but I like to think I’m doing ok otherwise. I can’t count the number of times I spent at Chuck E. Cheese counting tickets in hopes of finally getting enough to trade them in for the shiny skate board behind the glass counter. It was a goal to reach for. I never once said, “Give me 25 tickets on the over of the Steelers – Packers game.”  (For the record, I would have taken the Steelers – even back then.) And here I am today, a responsible adult with a full time job, my own home, and I have no desire to call my “Uncle Glenn” for point spreads.

What’s next, Debbie? You’re in San Diego. Are you going to sue the Padres for serving beer at a Padres game? I mean the ball park is supposed to be a family friendly enviornment isn’t it? If I were you, I sure as hell wouldn’t take your kids there. They may see grown ups eating hot dogs, drinking beer and enjoying themselves. This would scar them for life. And God forbid these little darlings of yours see the San Diego Chicken dancing on the stripper pole that the Padres organization had mounted in the dugout. Now that would be a story to tell, wouldn’t it?  I wonder how much you can sue the team for contributing to children wanting to become strippers? I mean a dancing chicken….feathers… goes hand in hand. Man, that fucking chicken is AWESOME!  Holy shit, I just figured it out! You have something against animated mascots. Obviously, you were raised in Milwaukee and  molested by the sausages that dance around Miller Ballpark. It’s all beginning to make sense.

 One last thought. Americans spend roughly 400 billion dollars a year on sports gambling alone. 400 BILLION. I spell the billion out because I’m positive you cannot grasp the concept of all the zeros. I’d be willing to bet you (get it?) that out those who are contributing to this enourmous amount of money to our presently shitty economy did not get their start at the Chuck E. Cheese ticket redemption counter. Get a job, Debbie. I hear the San Diego Zoo needs a skunk mascot. I smell future success in your future. What are the odds?

P.S. I spent many a day in the back of the Sooner Schooner and never once thought of keeping small children away. Suck it up, Debbie.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

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  1. dr00zilla says:

    Let’s see… ploy to get attention, check, ploy to get money, check, picking on Chuck E Cheez which happens all the time anyway because parents can’t control their mongoloid children, check….

    Mothers are worse than terrorists.

  2. Jim P says:

    Hilarious…. The depths of greed and the thought of a quick money grab will drive the inbred and ignorant to do anything for a buck…. Enjoyed reading your stuff as always…..

  3. aj says:

    As a former chuck e cheeses employee, I am astounded but laughing my ass off!!! Good luck lady Ctfu!!!!

  4. idle.thoughtz says:

    So does this mean that it is alright to scream “I won!! I won!!” as the ATM spits out my money?

  5. […] Chuck E. Cheese vs. Gambling « shesaidsports A woman in San Diego is suing Chuck E. Cheese claiming that kids who go there are at risk of developing serious gambling habits. Really? Her name is Debbie Keller, the mother of 3- and 5-year-old children, and she claims Obviously, you were raised in Milwaukee and molested by the sausages that dance around Miller Ballpark. It’s all beginning to make sense. One last thought. Americans spend roughly 400 billion dollars a year on sports gambling alone. […]

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