SheSaidSports Special Edition

Posted: April 30, 2011 in Uncategorized

I must warn you sportsfans……I have put on my “girl hat” and this blog entry is  about yesterday’s royal wedding. Of course anyone who knows me knows there will be a sports reference of some kind, so be patient – I will touch on sports in this article, but for now, this is the Sooner Leesa Review of the Royal Wedding.

Where to begin. Yes, I was watching at 3:30 am as the pomp and circumstance began across the big pond. But remember, I am an insomniac – I did not make this a special affair. I do admit I did let myself get caught up in the excitement  of the whole “what is the dress going to look like” craze, but I let my inner Joan Rivers out and I found myself critiquing  what the guests were wearing – especially the hats.

Is there some kind of funky hat factory in London? Seriously. This event made the Kentucky Derby look amateur. Big hats, small hats, pretty hats, itty bitty hats, hats with feathers, hats with flowers, hats with bows, hats that didn’t resemble a hat at all, ugly fucking hats and WHAT??? NO HAT? I watched in amazement as a woman in green entered the Abbey on the red carpet on the arm of some dude that looked somewhat important, and she was hatless!!!! It didn’t take long for my amazement to turn to anger as the fact that the camera stayed on this couple for such a long time and they seemed to have VIP seating, so these people must be VIP’s, and the woman in green HAD NO HAT? Who the hell is she? And why does she seem to be the only woman at this circus that’s NOT wearing a hat? I demand answers.  There were people who spent 3-4 nights in Hyde Park and on the streets near Buckingham Palace and the Abbey just to get a glimpse of the prince and his bride and this snooty woman in green gets a kick ass seat for the show and has the nerve to not wear a hat. Appalling.

Enough of the hatless bitch. And if you are waiting for the sports reference – wait for it……….

So as the BBC has us waiting  in anticipation for princes William and Harry to emerge in a Bentley, we continue to get a glimpse of wedding guests. Remember Sarah Ferguson? You know, she was the commoner who married Prince Andrew, had two daughters, got  plump and got her royal roly poly ass kicked out of the castle and went to work for Weight Watchers. Yes, her. Anyway, she was completely dissed and didn’t get an invite. (Maybe she didn’t have a hat) Oh, but her little princesses did. Princess Beatrice, who looks a lot like her mother on ephedra, had a hat. She had a hat that looked like it was possibly supposed to be a replica of the Eiffel Tower that got destroyed by a lightning strike. She should thank her sister, Eugenie who wore something so hideous that it  averted our eyes away from the mangled mess atop her head. My best guess is that Eugenie’s dress was made by Le’Motel Six. It was a tacky bedspread with buttons and apparently the hem was done with safety pins by someone who just had their eyes dialated. Hot mess.  Here is the link to a picture so you can enjoy the vision for yourself in case you missed it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1381892/Royal-wedding-2011-Princess-Beatrice-Eugenie-fashion-flops-again.html?ito=feeds-newsxml 

  I know, the sports reference? Wait for it….wait for it…….

FINALLY, Princes William and Harry emerge in the Bentley to the roar of the crowd. They take the 10 minute ride to the Abbey while waving to the people lining the streets of London. I would love to know the conversation happening in that car. I bet they were reminincing about the sleazy strippers slithering around on the palace pole at the royal bachelor party a few nights before. (and/or their royal poles)  Hey…..maybe that’s who the woman in the green with no hat is – one of the strippers from the party. That would also explain the simple, ugly dress. Blimey.

Wills and Harry arrive at the Abbey which means the time has come for Kate to make her way to the church. The guests have been seated – some cannot see shit because the view is blocked from some big ass hats. Now,  again I stress – I thought all female VIP’s were expected to wear a hat but here I see Elton John is wearing a purple tie and seated with his husband – neither wearing a hat. Sigh. The Queen is escorted in looking like a majestic banana topped off with, yep, you guessed it, a hat! Kate’s mother (who  happens to be wearing a hat) is ushered in by her son – Kate’s brother, James. So, even the Queen and the mother of the bride are wearing hats. HEY EMERALD DRESS WEARING BITCH, WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE??? The excitement builds……very soon we will all get to see the much anticipated first glimpse “the dress.” My heart is actually starting to beat a little faster.

Sports reference? Wait for it……………….

Wills and Harry take their place at the altar and WHAT THE HELL?? Holy shit, Williams’ hair must have all come out in his hat when he removed it! When did he become follicle challenged? And just what is it with hats and this sacred event? And WHO is the bitch in green with no hat??? Bloody hell, I need some answers! I stare at my television thinking, when did William become so….so….not cute? WOW. Thank God the bride has arrived as I need to be distracted by the thought that William somehow went from being an adorable teenager to looking like his father who is………. not adorable.

The door opens…….and there she is. In a pretty gown. A classic gown. But what I consider a mediocre gown. Are you kidding me, Kate? I have had to endure the strife of wondering why the lady in green received a no hat pass and looking at Eugenie’s Motel 6 bedspread dress for THIS?? Color me disappointed.  I suppose I went back to the moment I first laid eyes on Lady Di’s dress when she married Charles. That was a fairy tale dress. I remember when she got out of the car she looked like a heavenly cloud, and so enchanting. Of course I was a very young girl at the time and still thought there was still a chance that I could grow up to be Cinderella. I am in no way saying this is an ugly or unworthy dress, it is lovely. I just was expecting magnificent and dramatic. My breath was not taken away.  William seemed to appreciate it as he seemed to mouth “you look beautiful” once she made it to the end of what seemed like an endless red carpet. And that’s what’s important, right?  Although, there was one point during the service where Wills seemed to have a look on his face as if he were having second thoughts. I am convinced this is the moment when he got a full view of the maid of honor, Pippa Middleton – Kate’s sister, in her dress. WOWZERS. I’m sure he was thinking , “Pippa’s ass looks mighty good in that dress – I can’t wait to make her a royal scandal.” Keep it in the family, Wills. That might actually happen as I do believe Prince Harry seemed to enjoying the fact that he got to escort this hot number down the aisle. Pippa – this royal wedding has made you a rock star – be prepared. If I were Kate, there’s no way in blue hell I would have allowed her to wear that dress. The maid of honor is not supposed to look better than the bride. And hey Britain, don’t think we don’t know what was REALLY happening in that “private chamber” that William, Kate, Harry, and Pippa went into to sign the registers. Signing registers, my ass. That was a royal orgy. Welcome to the world of Windsor, girls.

Sports reference? Almost there.

So there we have it. I have given my first tv show review in this blog, and now my first royal wedding review.  The highlight – besides the bitch in green with no hat? David Beckham. Mmmm, mmm, mm. David Beckham and his pregnant, non smiling wife Victoria were guests at this wedding. David Beckham has a face to die for. The cameras did not give me enough Beckham time.  And I understand the whole pissed off “I refuse to smile” look is part of your persona, Victoria, but you can bet your royal ass that a smile wouldn’t be leaving my face if I were married to Becks. When they showed him with his hair slicked back looking all dapper, I heard angels sing and vuvuzela’s sounding. Bend it like Beckham? How about – Hey Beckham, bend me over. I will toot on your vuvuzela anytime. And wear a hat while doing it.   ( there’s your reference, sportsfans)

 

God save the Queen.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

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Comments
  1. totally enjoyed this Leesa! perfect timing as I needed something light and entertaining // well done!

  2. I, Rebel says:

    I bet those hats are hot stuff over there in England!

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