Barry Bonds vs. Hercules

Posted: April 12, 2011 in Sports

The case in U.S. District Court, Northern District of California is United States of America v. Barry Lamar Bonds, 07-cr-732.

Barry, Barry, Barry. Oh what a tangled web we weave.

If you read my first post you will remember that I admit to not knowing everything about sports. I stand by this. I also said these posts will contain a lot of opinion – mine – and if you don’t like it, then don’t read it. Well boys and girls, this may be one of those posts. I am VERY opinionated on this subject and it’s time for me to speak out, people. Fasten your seat belts – I’m gonna rant!

I am not going to insult you by making you read why Barry Bonds is on trial, because unless you’re the deaf, dumb and blind kid in the Pinball Wizard, you know a little something about it. Perjury. Ok, so I made you read it. Wait, that means I just lied – put me on blog trial.

Barry Bonds is not on trial for doing steroids. He is not on trial for illegally obtaining steroids. He is not being prosecuted for distributing steroids. BARRY BONDS IS ON TRIAL FOR BEING A DUMB ASS aka lying to the grand jury about knowingly using performance enhancing drugs. Really Barry? Do you really think we are that naive and stupid? Any halfway intelligent person can look at your rookie card and see the difference. And IF you really didn’t know, as you claim, then YOU are the one naive and stupid.

Here’s my problem with this whole thing:

 According to the 2006 book “Game of Shadows,” which detailed how athletes received performance-enhancing drugs from Balco (Bay Area Laboratory Cooperative), Bonds turned to steroids after the 1998 season because he was afraid that his body was breaking down and was jealous of the attention Mark McGwire had received from breaking Roger Maris’s record. Ok, so if my memory serves correctly, Bonds was voted the National League MVP seven times – three of those times being in 1990, 1992, and 1993. I know math is my weakness, but I’m pretty sure all of those seasons fell before when the book says he befriended the ball shrinking drugs. He joined the elite 40-40 club in 1996, hitting 42 home runs and stealing 40 bases. Bonds won the Golden Glove for the first time in 1990. He won it again in ’91, ’92, ’93, and ’94. Apparently he had an off season in ’95. He came back and again won the award in ’96, ’97, and ’98. That’s 8 times. All before he reportedly turned to roids.

I know what you’re thinking: this bitch is on the Bonds bandwagon. Well, no this bitch is not. I have not met Barry Bonds, so who am I to judge, but if you ask me, I think he comes off as a puffed up asshole. BUT, as a sportsfan, I also recognize and yes, respect his athletic ability. I understand that Major League Baseball has a tarnished reputation. I get that there is a problem with PEDS in the sport. But I also believe that enough is enough. If a guy gets busted with the drugs or tests positive, then deal with it within the league. Yes, I know it is illegal to lie to the Grand Jury – I’m a woman – I learned that when Martha Stewart got sent to the pokie. Do I believe Bonds lied? He said he thought the substances he received from his personal trainer, Greg Anderson, were flaxseed oil and arthritis cream — and not the steroids and other performance enhancers prosecutors said they were. Please refer to my above quote: BARRY BONDS IS ON TRIAL FOR BEING A DUMB ASS.

I’m not saying he is a dumb ass for not realizing what he was doing – of course he knew what he was doing. I’m saying he is mayor of DumbAssCity for thinking the general public would believe that he believed that he was receiving only flaxseed oil and arthritis cream. Maybe he should be tested for smoking the flaxseed.

The trial itself has been somewhat entertaining. His former mistress testified that she noticed acne on his back and shoulders. This is a sign of steroid use – not to mention just a disgusting thought. She testified of “rage” that occurred during this time. According to her he threatened to cut her head off and leave her in a ditch. More than once. What the hell? More than once? I would think that cutting her head off once would be enough to kill her. Unless she is the modern day Hydra – and that just freaks me right the hell out. Does that make Bonds Hercules? As Mama Klump said in the Nutty Professor, “Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!”

This mistress also said Bonds told her “he would cut out my breast implants because he paid for them.” So apparently Barry Boys master plan was to cut her head off, cut out her breast implants THEN leave her in a ditch. It’s all starting to make sense now. He needed the silicone to rebuild his shrinking balls that she also testified she saw. She testified that she met Bonds through a mutual friend and his first words to her were “Damn girl, you fine.” Must have been love at first words. That shit is better than Jerry Maguires “You had me at hello.” Oh Barry, you had me at “damn girl, you fine.” The woman also says she continued her romatic relationship with him after he married his second wife in 1999. I wonder if he told his second wife, “Damn girl, you finer than the gold digging whore I’m banging right now.” Love is real, love is kind.

Another female that testified at the trial is his personal shopper. Really? A personal shopper. “Hey bitch, I’m Barry Bonds and I’m out of Charmin. Drive your ass to the store and get me a pack. Make sure it’s the ultra – I’m Barry Bonds and I even shit golden gloves. When you’re done, make Barry Bonds some thick, fluffy, syrupy pancakes.” Give me a break. This personal shopper testifies that she saw his trainer inject him through the belly button at one time. According to her testimony she said Barry asked him for the injection while she was packing a suitcase for him. (WHAT? a personal shopper packs a suitcase for you too???? ) When the trainer asked him if it was ok, Barry said yes, she’s my girl, she won’t tell. Look who’s telling now, Hercules! She does say that he came out of the bathroom and in an effort to defend himself he said “I just needed a little something something.” Her credibility went down the same toilet the golden shit gloves did at that point. Barry Bonds didn’t say “something something.” Barry Hercules Bonds would say “sumpin sumpin.”

And so here we are……jury is still deliberating at the time I am typing this. I say, yes Barry lied. He knew he was injecting PEDS. He said he never was injected by anyone else other than a medical doctor which is the lie that has caused all the hot water is in. Bullshit, Barry. I do however think a bigger crock of bullshit is the amount of money taxpayers are paying for this trial to prove that you are lying. Do I think it’s ok that he lied to a Grand Jury? NO. But come on, doesn’t the government have more important things to worry about right now? Perhaps making sure our military is paid while they risk their lives for the rest of us so we have the freedom to watch a sport like baseball? The government was at risk of “shutting down” but by God, let’s make sure Barry Bonds goes to prison for lying. Let’s let the gas prices soar so fucking high that we can’t afford a ticket to watch a baseball game. Then what? Barry…..liar liar, pants on fire! There – it’s been said. The guy lied to protect his legacy – bad choice, but no matter what anyone says – Barry Bonds is/was a hell of a baseball player. His eye to ball coordination allowed him to connect with a 90 mph thrown ball. Could steroids enhance his ability to knock it out of the park – maybe. Did steroids play a part in all the Golden Glove awards he won? I doubt it. Does all that’s going on make me rethink my feelings about Barry Bonds as a person? No. I still think personally he comes off as a prick. But that doesn’t take away my respect for his talent on a baseball field. Barry Bonds is Hercules on and off the field. Remember – Hercules was mortal and his death was a result of him cheating on his wife. I’m just sayin……….

P.S. Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame.


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  1. aj says:

    Truth from the truth!!! P.S. love the pancake reference, LMFAO!!!!

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