Mike Tyson vs. Mary Poppins

Posted: March 10, 2011 in Sports

This is a good news – bad news kind of story. I’m going to start with the bad news first. Mike Tyson has a reality show. An extremely bizarre reality show. It is on the Animal Planet and it’s called Taking on Tyson. My first thought was “Animal Planet?” but then it took about .5 of a second to realize this is the perfect channel for Iron Mike.  If you haven’t seen it, please sit back and let me give you a review.

The first episode introduces the viewer to Mike Tyson and his rough childhood and upbringing. This is not news. We already knew Mike Tyson did not have an ideal childhood. The show does take an educational turn however when Tyson describes his very first fight. It was against an older and bigger youth who pulled the head off of one of Mike’s pigeons. Yes, young Mike apparently carried pigeons in a bag around the mean streets – they were his best friends. This incident was followed by Tyson repeatedly getting caught committing petty crimes and fighting those who ridiculed his high-pitched voice and lisp. Kids can be so cruel. And they never said “thorry……….”

Mikey had been arrested 38 times by the time he was 13. Yes – 38 times. This is news to Tyson since he probably can’t count that high. It was at this age that he ended up at a boys school where a juvenile detention counselor who was a former fighter discovered Tyson’s raw boxing ability. This is who introduced him to Cus D’Amato who eventually became Mike’s trainer and legal guardian. And the rest is boxing history.

Let’s take this back to the pigeons shall we? Tysons love for pigeons never subsided and now that he is a broke, retired boxer and ex con who filed bankruptcy after blowing 300 million dollars, he is hoping the pigeons and Animal Planet will help him regain his fame and fortune once again. God bless the pigeons. The show revolves around “Tyson’s Corner”. This is the name of the pen, or pigeon house, the birds are kept in. This flock of birds are being trained by Tyson for the world of homing pigeon racing. According to the narrator of this show, these races are extremely popular in the NorthEast United States. And why wouldn’t they be? There are 2 guys that are Tyson’s team that help him train these birds. And then there is a coach. There is a coach to coach Tyson on training pigeons to race. How in the hell do you coach someone to train pigeons to fly? Better question – how much does this coach get paid? I’m pretty sure I can bullshit my way through this, where can I sign up? The training involves making sure the pen is clean – which I’m sure Tyson is well educated on. These trainers also must ensure the birds are fed only the best pigeon food. I apologize, the show did mention the contents of pigeon feed, but I was so involved in the boring ass narrator’s voice, who by the way sounds like a guy channeling Alec Baldwin when he’s not leaving angry messages to his teenage daughter, that I totally missed the ingredients.  The basics of this “sport” are as follows. A shitload of birds are driven to a location sometimes hundreds of miles from home. They are released and the birds who have the best time returning back to their home win. And there’s NOT cheerleaders for this? The birds have a Lindsay Lohan style cuff around one of their feet and the time is electronically registered by a clock inside the pen. I don’t know exactly what the winners get. I still can’t get past the burning question of WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL DOES THE COACH REALLY DO? How does one train a pigeon to fly? Apparently, you have to keep the pigeons in their home long enough for them to become comfortable so when they are released they will want to fly home. I guess Mike Tyson needs a coach for this. I can’t help by feel relieved to learn that Tyson became a vegan a few years ago, because I’m thinking he would eat the pigeons if they do not perform well. I hear they taste like chicken. Did he become a vegan because he got some sort of weird ear disease after the Holyfield debacle? Ear to mouth disease can be life changing from what I understand. In fact, one of the symptoms is a unexplained black inked permanent rash on the face. Brutal.

So after watching Iron Mike kiss birds, and brilliantly point out a tiny pile of pigeon shit claiming it to be healthy bird poop, the trial run was successful and the released pigeons made their way back home to Tyson’s Corner much to the delight of Tyson, his little elves, and the fucking coach- have I mentioned I don’t get the whole coach thing???? The time the birds made was not up to par, but with more training, they should be in fine racing form by the time the season starts. Perhaps they should wear golden wings like Michael Johnson’s shoes. This would guarantee victory. This show has convinced me that Pigeon Blood kicks the shit out of Tiger Blood. 

The entire time I watched this show, I had the damn “Feed the Birds” song from Mary Poppins stuck in my head. You know, where the old lady was surrounded by pigeons and she is singing ‘Feed the birds, tuppence a bag
Tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a bag’ ? The longer the show went on, the more pissed off at Animal Planet I became for merely putting the vision of Mary fuckin Poppins in my brain. However, that is one fight I would like to see. Poppins -Tyson. My money would be on the British nanny – she is evil. Anyone who flies with an umbrella, cleans chimneys, and hops into sidewallk pictures is an evil, possessed bitch and you KNOW she has something in that big ass carpet bag of hers that could knock Mike Tyson right the hell out. But then she would make him feel better by giving him a spoonful of sugar. Spoonful of sugar my ass, clearly Mary Poppins was the first documented crack whore. And she be a bad, Mike Tyson ass kicking bitch.  Where is Don King when you need him?

So I suppose you are wondering what the good news is that I spoke of at the beginning. The good news is, a show such as Taking on Tyson is a great cure for my insomnia. I should set my DVR to record it every Sunday night so I can be assured of at least an hour of sleep.

So there you go. My first ever tv show review. I hope you found it to be supercalifradgilisticexpialidocious.

Follow me on Twitter:  @soonerleesa

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  1. Peter says:

    Another fine job! The wait was worth it

  2. aj says:

    Lmao yeah you pegged it, I don’t care I still love tyson, its an NY thing. Next week you need to go after barber LOL!!!!

  3. Fantastic goods from you, man. I have remember your stuff previous to and you are just too excellent. I really like what you’ve obtained here, really like what you are saying and the way by which you assert it. You are making it entertaining and you continue to take care of to keep it wise. I cant wait to learn far more from you. This is actually a wonderful website.

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