SUPER BOWL SUNDAY AND THE SINGLE GIRL’S DILEMMA

It’s the day before the Super Bowl and I have a decision to make. Should I attend a party with a giant roasting pig, multiple kegs, approximately 200 beer guzzling people and the possibility of a drunken hook up that will be regretted Monday morning? Or should I join a few friends at a sports bar with bar food. wine in a real glass instead of a Toby Keith red solo cup, and a potential bar tab that I could regret more than the drunken hook up from the pig party? I could always stay home and enjoy the game from my own living room. I tried that last year when a freak blizzard had me trapped and I was forced to cancel my own party and I didn’t enjoy it. Thankfully, I had all the food I had purchased for that party to keep me alive for the 12 days I was imprisoned by a bitch named Mother Nature. At least there was snow so I could make a Steelers snowman in my backyard so I would have a friend to celebrate my beloved team playing in the big game. It was a beautiful relationship while it lasted. The results of the game forced me to violently destroy my only party guest. RIP SnowSteeler.

Clearly, this holiday known as Super Bowl Sunday and where to spend it and who to spend it with has become a single girl’s dilemma. Damn my love for football. I should not even care about this game. It is the Giants and Patriots. Yet, I do care. You might think I want the Patriots to win because they are representing the AFC. If you truly think that, let me introduce myself. Hi, I’m Leesa, and I am a Hatriot. With that being said, Go Giants. (To AJ: don’t get too excited – I only say that because I have no choice.) It’s simple, I am cheering AGAINST New England. I’ll be honest, if I were betting on the game, I would choose the Patriots for the win. However, because the Giants were peaking earning their way to this game, it wouldn’t shock me if they did win. I do think it will be a really close game. This is why I won’t bet on the game. I am, however very intrigued by the props you can bet on.

Let’s start with my annual favorite: how long will it take Kelly Clarkson to sing the National Anthem? According to Bovada, the over/under number is 1:34.  If she doesn’t forget or screw up the words like what’s her name did last year, I am going for the over. That’s right, Kelly – I hope you hold the word “brave” so long you pass out. Speaking of  the words, that is another prop. Will she forget or omit at least one word? Hell no, she won’t. After all the torture Genie in a Bottle had to endure last year, Kelly Clarkson will nail every word. She is petrified of being sentenced to working with Blake Shelton and Cee Lo Greene like Christina is now doing. Bitch is doing hard time after last year’s anthem debacle.

Will Kelly Clarkson’s bare belly be shown during the singing of the National Anthem? Yes, this a real prop. I’m leaving this one alone. I would like to say no, but then again, there have been worse wardrobe malfunctions at the Super Bowl. And last but not least for the Kelly Clarkson props: Will she wear her hair up or down?  I did some intense research on this. By intense research, I mean I did a google image search. Out of the 212 images that came up, she had her hair up in only 4 of them. In 2, she had her bangs pulled out of her face with a barette. This still qualifies as down in my opinion. So, do the math, people. I am laying it down on her hair being down. If that bitch shows up with her hair up or in a pony tail and short changes me on the “home of the brave” I will personally meet her at the Indy airport with a pair of scissors and make sure she will not be able to wear her hair up for a very long time.

Speaking of Indy, the Super Bowl couldn’t possibly be played there without Peyton Manning somehow being part of it. The fact that his brother is playing in it, makes the odds of hearing his name and seeing his face even greater. Why, yes, there is a prop for that. How many times will Peyton Manning be shown on tv during the game? If we’re all really lucky that would be ZERO, but we all know that won’t happen.  The number? The books currently have it at 3 1/2.  So, if you bet the under, and he is shown 3 times,  you win. This is from kick off to the final whistle – halftime does not count. Oh, and only live pictures count. Taped pictures or past video – no go. I would think the under is the way to go. If we have to see his face live more than 3 times during the game, I will be disappointed. Didn’t we suffer enough during the regular season when we were forced to watch the Colts and see him on the sidelines? This game should be about the Manning playing, not the other ugly one.  The other Manning is not the only family member that’s not playing that has a prop. Tom Brady’s wife, Giselle Bundchen has the same: how many times will she be shown? Same rules – only live pictures. The number? The books have it at 1/2. Yes one half. So if she is shown just one time and you bet the over, winner, winner, chicken dinner. Speaking of chicken dinners, Giselle, you should eat one every once in a while. Let’s not forget the youngest Brady who also has his own prop. Will Tom Brady’s son be wearing a Brady jersey if he is shown on tv? Wait….which son? Not betting this one either. Betting on something with children involved just makes it sound so desperate.

Another one of my favorite props is: What Color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team?  Again, after more intense research, I am going to have to go with clear. Yellow was a close second. I do think if the Giants win, there is a better chance that it might be yellow that is dumped on Tom Coughlin. If the Patriots win, I am confident it will be clear. And it won’t be Gatorade at all. It will be vodka – I’m pretty sure vodka is the drink of choice for Bill Belichick. Vodka is also the perfect choice for a Kraft dinner. So much better than white wine – wine would indicate class. Vodka is perfect for a hoodie wearing cheater, Yeah, I said it. Remember…..HATRIOT.

 

I’m a little disappointed that there are no Madonna props. I’m sure she’ll bring her own.

And so Super Bowl 46 is about 24 hours from kick-off. I hope the Giants win, Kelly Clarkson sings for over 94 seconds with her hair down, and that vodka is dumped on the head of the winning coach. If you are gambling on the game, good luck, but most of all I hope I regret nothing Monday morning.

HAPPY SUPER BOWL SUNDAY EVERYONE.

 

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @soonerleesa

EMAIL: leesa@shesaidsports.net

 

Does God prefer Tebowing or waving a Terrible Towel?

 

 

I woke up and it is wild-card Sunday. It seems like just yesterday I was drafting players for my fantasy football teams, and now here we are, folks the NFL playoffs. As you already know, the Texans and Saints won yesterday and today the Giants face the Falcons and the Steelers face the Broncos. This is a big day for me. My beloved Steelers are going to get Rocky Mountain high and the Falcons – the only other team in the NFL I feel any positive emotion for are playing the Giants.

I will start with the Falcons-Giants. Can Matt Ryan show up as a big-game quarterback today? Playing this Giants team, he is going to have to be. The game is in Giants stadium and say what you will about Eli Manning, he has shown up this season and played like the Manning quarterback we expect to see. He seems to be enjoying being the ONLY Manning adding stats to his NFL career this season as his brother Peyton could only watch from the Colts sidelines with a pain in the neck. But, this Falcons team can be pretty damn good. Yes, the Giants seem to have the Ryan’s number – they beat Rob Ryan’s defense twice this year, and Rex Ryan two weeks ago. Will Matt Ryan be their latest victim? Although realistically, let’s face it, beating Rex Ryan can be compared to beating a team in the Lingerie Football League. (I apologize for the visual of Rex Ryan in lingerie. I too, just threw up in my mouth a little.)  Yes, Matt Ryan is 0-2 in post season play, but so was Eli Manning in 2007. I think we all remember what happened that season. Yes, the Falcons are a “dome” team playing the Giants at home outdoors, however, it seems as though Mother Nature may have a little crush on the Falcons because it is supposed to be 40 degrees at game time. 40 degrees is a gift in that part of the country and the predicted winter precipitation never showed up so the weather should not be a factor.  Yes, I am rooting for the Falcons. More than anything, I want to see the Atlanta defense show the world what they’re all about. Especially that number 24 kid. Show me the pick 6, Dominique Franks, make me proud.  I want to be doing the “Dirty Bird” at the end of the game. Put the brakes on Manning and Cruz.

Yes, I am obligated to cheer for the Falcons, but let’s move on to THE game of the day: Steelers at the Broncos. This game will be, unfortunately closer than people think. First of all, the Steelers always play down to their opponents. That’s not good news since, well……since the Broncos suck. Yeah, I said it. This Denver team back-doored their way into the play-offs. This is an 8-8 team that lost their last 3 games. The only reason these guys won the AFC West is because Oakland lost last week. These Broncos did not earn their play-off spot. Argue all you want, Denver fans, but those are the facts. You can worship at the Church of Tebow all you want, but we will soon see which Diety attends today’s game.  The one who wears a Tebow jersey, or the one who waves a Terrible Towel.

I will admit that the football gods have seemed to bless this Denver team by granting some small favors. Playing in Denver is one of those. Steeler safety, Ryan Clark will not be playing in the game because of a sickle-cell trait that becomes aggravated when playing at higher elevations. Even a bigger loss is running back Rashard Mendenhall who tore his ACL last week against Cleveland. This leaves Pittsburgh with Isaac Redman and rookie John Clay as the only healthy running backs on the Steeler roster. Then there is of course, the infamous banged up Ben Roethlisberger ankle. He will be playing with a severely sprained ankle that he received Dec. 8th against the Browns.  (Fucking Browns, I’m beginning to think their sole purpose in the NFL is to bring harm to the Pittsburgh Steelers) Ben himself  said Wednesday that his ankle feels like a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10. But, this is Ben Roethlisberger and he has proven that he is not your normal human being when it comes to injury. (or banging bitches in bathrooms) These losses are significant, absolutely, but in my opinion, the biggest loss of all may just be center Maurkice Pouncey. So not only is Ben playing injured, he will be missing a tremendous blocker in Pouncey. Clearly Ben will not be able to extend the plays like he does so well, and he will be limited in his mobility and throwing the long ball. Despite the suckiness of the Denver Broncos, this game will be tough on the Steelers offense. The question is, can a 50% Big Ben beat a healthy Tim Tebow? I’m willing to say yes. But what would Jesus do?

Yes, I went there. Tim Tebow, if you are reading this, I hope when you are kneeling on the sideline today, you are praying you don’t have a face to face meeting with James Harrison. He could send you to your meeting with Jesus faster than you can say John Elway. Being one-dimensional can send you skipping down the road paved of gold and through the pearly gates when you play the Pittsburgh Steeler defense. BUT, if you do have the good Lord on your side, then who can argue that? With the Steelers personnel that will be absent on the field today, you may actually have a shot. A shot in hell, and I don’t think you would fit in. Because of my big heart, I will be Tebowing for you to come out of this game with your virginity still in tact. You may be sorry you never got any good use out of it, because Harrison just may break your cock along with your pride.

I will end with this: the Steelers are the better team. They are the more experienced team. Not only will they be playing for their brothers in black and gold that can’t be on the field today, they will be playing for their running backs coach, Kirby Wilson who was severely burned in a house fire Friday morning. They will be playing to crush the orange.

May everyone walk away injury free. And may Tim Tebow have an ample supply of depends to wear during the game because he will probably piss his pants when the Steel Curtain comes to worship at the Church of Tebow. I wonder if you piss holy water?

It is now Monday, and after a plethora of hate mail and negative comments, I am adding to this by saying: MY STEELERS DID NOT LOSE TO THE BRONCOS, THEY GOT BEAT BY THE BRONCOS. I make no excuse for it other than Timmy Tebow had his way with our defense, and we could not produce enough offense to match it. I have no problem admitting when I’m wrong people, but for fuck’s sake, lighten up. How many times do I have to tell you people, that when I write, most of the time it is with intense sarcasm. (at least here, anyway) I don’t really hate Tim Tebow – I do not know him. I hate the media circus that surrounds him and I hate how the rest of the team gets virtually no credit for their victories. I will become a true Tebow follower when he gets a Super Bowl ring. Until then…..I still look at him as a mediocre quarterback who beat my beloved Steelers to move on to face the Patriots. Believe it or not, I will kind of be rooting for the Broncos to miraculously beat them because I am a Hatriot.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

email: leesa@shesaidsports.net

WHY I SHOULD NEVER WATCH ANYTHING THAT IS NOT SPORTS

THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY FRIEND JAIME; THE MOST COURAGEOUS PERSON I KNOW.

Here’s problem number 1: I had knee surgery 2 days ago and I am stuck on my couch watching tv for a while. Unless there is a game of some kind on, I am generally not a good tv watcher. Trying to find something to watch in the middle of the day is a challenge. I suppose watching the eleventy billion sports channels is an option, but the issue with that is after an hour, I am hearing the same things over and over. This is a dilemma. My surgery was done Monday and I came  home on Tuesday morning. That is all I really remember from both of those days. So here we are at Wednesday afternoon and my plans consist of: using my crutches to walk to the mailbox. Yep, that’s it. After that mission was accomplished, I decided to actually watch tv – something other than sports. So after popping a pain pill, making a bathroom trip before the pill kicks in, and positioning my pillows just right in order to properly prop my knee, I grabbed the remote and prepared to relax – literally – by watching some tv. (with the help of a little pill called Percodan.)

So, on goes my tv. I am shocked (sarcasm) that it is on a sports channel. I am compelled to watch for a half hour or so. By this point, I’m starting to feel pretty good. I am still conscious enough to remember to move my foot up and down and around in circles – 10 times  - as the doctor prescribed. While concentrating on counting to ten, I lost control of my remote. Apparently during the act of being lost,  some buttons were pushed and it landed on a channel that was airing the most disturbing, scary, and evil thing I have ever seen on tv. I have heard about this, but have never witnessed it. In fact, I was tempted to pop another perc just to make sure that if I had a nightmare about this, I would be so far under I would never remember it. Of course I didn’t, I wanted to make sure I had extra just in case the Sooners fuck up their bowl game. That won’t happen, BUT, just in case.

I’m sure you’re asking, “what is this disturbing show?” I will tell you, but I want to make sure you get the kids out of the room as I reveal the name of this disgusting, show produced by Satan himself. The hell in HD I was forced to watch is called……… Toddlers and Tiaras. I accept your condolences and concern, thank you. I wasn’t sure if what I was watching was a drug induced illusion or if this satanic channel called TLC really airs such a reality series showcasing a cruel form of child abuse.

Let me just start by saying to the parents of these children: WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? After torturing myself by watching, not 1, but 2 hours of this shit, I was very sad that I couldn’t call my mom and dad and thank them for allowing me to live a normal, dysfunctional childhood. I never want to hear anyone bitch about sports parents again. Seriously, there is something not right about this child pageant business. There is nothing anyone could tell me to convince me that the majority of these little girls (and yes, some boys) WANT to be in pageants. How does a 3 or 4-year-old know what she wants to do? During a commercial break there was a commercial for an upcoming episode where a 3-year-old (so it appeared) was getting her hair done. Now when I say “getting her hair done” I mean a hairpiece applied, or a weave – whatever they call it – screaming at the top of her lungs. I’m not sure, but I think the hair piece was possibly being hot glued to the top of her head. As she was screaming bloody murder, her mother was telling her how much fun it is. The toddler in return screams “This is NOT fun.” HELLO???  I’m all jacked up on percodan, and even I know this child is not enjoying this. Then there’s the child pageant’s favorite accessory: the flipper. The what? As I am watching, I am hearing a mother explaining to her 5-year-old that she needs to try on her flipper to ensure it fits correctly. Her FLIPPER? How the hell can wearing a dolphin from a 1960′s tv show help a kid win a beauty pageant? Come to find out, a flipper is actually fake teeth. God knows, we can’t have these little girls go onstage without their false teeth in.  This should be something for the grown-up Miss USA contestants. Can you imagine? Every male judge would be drooling just fantasizing about Miss West Virginia strutting her stuff across the stage during the swimsuit competition. He’s thinking, “Oh yeah, baby, bonus points if you meet me backstage, take out your teeth, and gum me until the evening gown competition.” Actually, if it were Miss West Virginia, she’d be used to wearing false teeth.

Problem #2: I cannot find my damn remote control.

Anyway,   I don’t even know where to start describing the make-up they paint on these little girls faces. Picture Tammy Faye Baker as a toddler. Come to think of it, Tammy Faye kinda talked like a toddler as I recall. Maybe she was a victim of toddler beauty pageants in her childhood. You know sometimes, the more I type, the more sense I make. And not only do they paint their faces, they paint their entire bodies. They put these little girls in a pop-up tent and spray tan them. Understandable. If you’re going to display your child like a puppet on a stage, you may as well make them look like they just returned from the Caribbean. I even heard a father ask a mother why she is spray tanning their black child. Her reply: “Because our black child will look white compared to the other white girls on stage because they spray tan so much.” I’m not sure who was more confused, him or my perked out self. Speaking of the dads,  there are actually “pageant dads” to go along with the psychotic pageant moms. These guys can tease a weave better than that bitch on Jerseylicious. The little girls that belong to these dads are surely adopted or stolen, because there is no way in hell these guys laid down with a woman to create a baby. There are so many people out there that want children and can’t have them, yet somehow these people end up with them.

I think my least favorite was a woman from, I’m ashamed to admit it, Oklahoma who said she always dreamed of having a little girl so she could put her into pageants. I’m not sure why she never had her own – I couldn’t get past the fact that she said she wanted to have a girl so she could put her in pageants – but she then said she prayed that she would meet someone who had a 5-year-old little girl and marry him so she could take her to pageants. Lo and behold, her dreams came true and she met a single dad with a 5-year-old daughter and they got married. As she told her story, she prayed and prayed and until God told her that her step-daughter should not be in pageants, she will continue to enter her in them. WOMAN…..you confused Him – He thought you said CHRISTMAS pageants. I’m not sure if this is a sin or not, but it should be. This woman prayed over the weave before she brushed it out. She prayed over the fake nails she put on her step-daughters fingers. She prayed over the dresses she was dressing her in and she prayed over the spray tanning gun so the tan she was about to paint on this 5-year-old would look even and natural. This is when I could take no more. I refused to watch a step-mother Tebowing over the glitter eye shadow that she was about to brush on this child’s eyes. I bet Tim Tebow doesn’t even pray over the make-up he puts on himself.

Like I warned you, this is a disturbing, frightening show. We, as a society wonder why kids at school are bullied? Could it be that parents are so damn judgmental and expect their child to be so perfect and look a certain way that when they go to school, the kids take their anger out on the kids that are allowed to be themselves or appear to be different? These parents are creating social nightmares. I feel sorry for these girls. They are going to have a hard time looking in the mirror without out the glitz and accept themselves for what they really look like. Let them be in pageants when they are old enough to choose to be in one. Until then, let them grow up dreaming of being a princess instead of trying to turn them  into one because you were never prom queen. Kids should be able to have the right to choose who and what they want to be and should like what they look like without all the pomp and circumstance. People should not be judged by what they look like and how they dress. We should not judge people at all. This lesson should be taught to our children. Let them grow up and just be themselves. Sometimes that’s hard enough. Thank God (and Tim Tebow) that I located my remote.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYONE.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @soonerleesa

EMAIL: leesa@shesaidsports.net

 

 

Everyone Bleeds Crimson

bed-lam [ bed-luhm] noun : 1. a scene or state of wild uproar and confusion.

Synonyms 1. disorder, tumult, chaos, clamor, turmoil, commotion, pandemonium

That’s what Oklahoma and Oklahoma State fans wait for every football season. It’s always the last game of the regular season and there is always chaos involved. It’s called Bedlam and last night did not fail to epitomize the definition.

As you know, I am a die hard Sooners fan. Sooner born and Sooner bred. So to cover last night’s highlights of the game would make this a really short story. More like a haiku. Here are the Sooner highlights: we scored a field goal at the beginning of the game and then a touchdown at the end of the game. There they are. Other than that, all the highlights belong to Oklahoma State as they crushed my Sooners (and my heart) 44-10. Those of you who really know me know I said this would be the year the Pokes would beat us. Deep down inside I wanted to be wrong – sooooo wrong – but as everyone now knows, I was, unfortunately correct. The stars were aligned just right for a Cowboys win. They had the week off before the game,  OU’s injuries were significant and Oklahoma State got home field advantage – for the 2nd year in a row thanks to conference realignment. The Cowboys had never won a Big XII championship and an outside chance of going to the BCS Championship Game to face LSU was on the line.  Let’s face it, Ok State had more to play for, and it showed. I am not making excuses. We were out played and out coached. Congratulations Oklahoma State Cowboys on your 1st Big XII Championship.

Now let the commotion of the BCS begin. LSU and Alabama sit number 1 and 2. LSU handled their business against #14 Georgia and ended their season undefeated and will represent the SEC in the championship game January 9th in New Orleans. This will be basically a home game for them. Last time they played a national championship game in New Orleans, they beat Ohio State for the title. That was January 2008. They will not being playing Ohio State this time, but is it possible they could be facing another OSU? A lot of people believe the Pokes have earned that shot – I, believe it or not, am one of those. We will find out later tonight. The prediction is for a re-match of last years game: LSU vs. Alabama – Bama had the week off. If and when that happens, it should have a different result.  Okla. State had a tougher schedule and beat more ranked teams than Alabama. I don’t know the exact science of the BCS computer, but I think OSU has a shot to move to number 2 in the computerized part. But unfortunately the human factor is what is going to kill the national championship dreams of those that wear orange and black. The Coach’s and AP polls are out and the have the Tigers and Tide at #1 and #2. I’m not sure how much the Harris Poll is worth, but as of the time of this writing, it has not yet been released. All signs point to a rematch of last year’s game. Yawn. Who, besides Tiger and Tide fans, wants to watch that? My friend Jack put it best: that game would be as boring as Tim Tebow’s porn stash.

I know some of you are shocked that I would proactively and publicly announce my support of Oklahoma State going to the championship game. I am a college football fan. I am NOT a fan of the BCS. In fact, the letter C should be removed and it should be called what it really is: BS. I do believe the Cowboys have earned their shot. With that being said, do not think that I am going to be wearing orange anytime soon. How about NEVER. I hate orange, and orange hates me.

Needless to say, I know a lot of people that went to OSU and that are fans. I get along with the majority of them.  Then there are those who I don’t. I have received many nasty messages about how the Cowboys kicked some Sooner ass last night. Yes you did. We took a beating. I will even say we sucked and the Pokes did not. BUT……(this is where my Okla.State friends should stop reading) when we do win, we don’t put our own fans in harms way by tearing down a field goal and carrying it through a crowd of thousands of people who rushed the field to celebrate the victory. Now I know you were over the moon with happiness and excitement of winning possibly the biggest game of your lives – as a sports fan I get that but how the hell can you think no one would get hurt by doing such dumb ass stunts? People were trampled and one person fell 15 feet onto concrete trying to jump onto the field. There were over a dozen people injured and 2 are in critical condition.

Again, I understand jubilation and celebrating a big win. I get winning a Big XII Championship is worth celebrating – after all I AM a Sooner and have celebrated 7 of them. I know you’re OSU people so let me do the math for you – that is 6 more than you. So while you continue to send me your “shut the fuck up, Sooner bitch – Sooners suck” messages, let me remind you that you could beat us up until 2076 and STILL be behind in the bedlam series. You are the very people that make it really hard to be nice to the Cowboys fans I like.

I don’t think there are classes teaching you how to win, but if there were I’m pretty sure ripping a goal post from the ground and jumping from stadium seats onto a concrete landing would not be on the agenda. Have you forgotten you just lost 2 members of your basketball program to a plane crash? Why…WHY would you want to create a situation where now you could possibly lose fans? Oh, and by the way Sooner haters who like to send messages telling me how stupid I am to ever believe my team could win, did you notice the orange ribbons the Sooner coaching staff wore in rememberance of YOUR women’s basketball coaches? Did you hear the Sooner marching band play Amazing Grace for them? We may be enemies on the football field, but we do have a heart. Hate me all you want for being an Oklahoma Sooner fan – but I do hope with all my heart that your fans are all ok and able to watch the Pokes in their first BCS game – whether it be the National Championship Game or the Fiesta Bowl.

I am proud to be a Sooner. I am proud of my team and how they stuck together through thick and thin. I hurt along with them when they lost their friend, their teamate, their brother Austin Box. I shed a tear when watching Ryan Broyles on the sidelines being told his injury is a season ending one. I will be eager to watch them in whatever bowl they will play in. I have been to countless games and still get chills every single time I walk down Lindsey Street and get that first glimpse of the stadium. I might have been disappointed at times this season as I, like most Sooner fans expect victory at all times. I have been humbled as a fan this season. I have learned that life goes on even when your team loses 3 games in a season. Watching the Penn State ordeal unfold has helped me put the love for my team into perspective. So has the OSU plane crash. I am guilty of the OU-OSU jokes, all in fun, but I know I have never been so cruel as to tell someone that it is completely understandable why their husband – who went to OSU – killed himself because he was married to an OU fan. Keep in mind – EVERYONE bleeds crimson – even those hurt from OSU.

Bedlam indeed.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

EMAIL: leesa@shesaidsports.net

It’s Only A Game

How many times have you heard “it’s only a game” in your lifetime? I know have – too many times to count. I am guilty, however of forgetting the true meaning of the word “game.” If you want the official definition, look it up. I have discovered that in sports, a true fan can experience an entire wheel of emotion while watching their favorite team. For example, I had the pleasure of watching the St. Louis Cardinals win the 2011 World Series. In that series alone, I was excited, nervous, happy, mad, and even amazed. I cheered, I laughed, (come on, the Rally Squirrel is kind of funny), I yelled, I smiled, and I cried – if you have read my blogs, you know why I cried. When the Sooners lost last Saturday the emotion of being straight up pissed off surfaced. Yes, a sports fan lives in a world of emotion that only another avid sports fan can understand.

Joe Paterno was the head coach of Penn State football for 46 years.

Here’s something I don’t understand: Penn State University and the lack of responsibility that has been discovered. As we all by now are aware, things are not so happy in Happy Valley right now. What is happening in University Park is a disaster of epic proportion. A disaster that could easily tip a Richter scale or blow the Fujita scale right the hell away. There is no way to measure the damage this disaster has done and will still be doing for a long time after you read this. This is not a natural disaster – in fact – it is the furthest thing from natural I can think of. This disaster was man-made.

Honestly, “man-made” is not a good adjective. The monster behind the sexual abuse allegations does not deserve to be called a man at all. Jerry Sandusky has made Happy Valley look worse than the Neverland Ranch. What’s so disturbing is this thing is far from over. There are more details that surface every day and more  (alleged) victims that come forward as the investigation continues. Just today, there was a news story that one of the most recent victims – both under the age of 18 is actually a family member. The more I hear, the more disgusted and pissed off I become.

When Joe Paterno was fired after 46 years as the Nittany Lions head coach, all hell broke loose on campus. Students rioted when they heard the news. “Hell no , Joe won’t go” is what they were yelling. I watched the news thinking to myself, wow, I didn’t realize there was a special education program at Penn State. I wonder how many short buses it took to get this group of idiots to the riot site? After that question, a more burning question arose: Paterno is fired,  Graham Spaniard, Penn State President , is fired, athletic director Tim Curley is fired and vice president Gary Schultz is fired. ALL WELL DESERVED. Deserved because they turned their backs on young boys who were being abused on campus by an ogre who had been investigated for sexual abuse of a minor since at least 1998. There is no one out there that can convince me that the cast of characters I just named knew nothing about this. And then there’s Mike McQueary - the Howdy Doody red – headed son of a bitch who says he witnessed Sandfucksy raping a young boy in the shower. He thinks it’s ok to go home and tell his dad and then the next morning go to JoePa’s house and tell him. Excuse me, Mike, look the American public in the eye and try to explain that, if in fact you did see this happening, why in the blue hell you did not wrap your hands around that old perverts neck and choke him til he hit the floor and then beat the hell out of him just to the point of where he was in severe, permanent pain. Death would be too easy. Why the fuck is Mike McQueary not terminated. Administrative leave? I don’t get it, I truly don’t.  Listen up Penn State student rioters, your beloved iconic coach turned a blind eye to what was going on for YEARS. And when I say blind, please don’t blame it on the Coke bottle glasses he wears because he can barely see anymore. Doing the bare minimum is not good enough. Hate to break to you kids, Joe Paterno is NOT a saint. And it’s not just him and the others I mentioned. Every single person from law enforcement who did nothing years ago, the prosecutors, the staff at Second Mile…the list goes on and on. Everyone involved should be held responsible for this tragedy. From Penn State to the State Pen. I really hate to quote Hillary Clinton, however, it DOES take a village and apparently University Park, Pennsylvania has more than one village idiot. Look at the big picture, people – this goes way beyond the game of football.

As a college football fanatic, I understand coach worship, but I also understand ethics and being of a moral sound mind. These people were not. This is not kids going to trade a signed jersey for a tattoo. It is not a booster “supporting” players by giving them gifts and buying them dinner.  It’s a damn shame a storied football program has to be at the center of this circus. I feel bad for these players who were living the dream of playing for the great Joe Paterno and then suddenly had their mentor taken away. They will, hopefully understand why one day – if they don’t already. It’s tough when someone you admired and worshipped comes under the spotlight for their wrong doings, or in this case for what should have been done and wasn’t. I feel bad for the supporters and fans, the families who had no clue what was going on. It is heartbreaking. But – it is NOT about football. It is about a disturbed “man” who took advantage of his power to sexually abuse and rape (allegedly) young boys. The victims of these horrific acts is what this should be about. Penn State winning the Big 10 should be the least of your worries. This is not about football. Football is just a game.

As you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow and enjoy a day of football, please think about these kids if only for a moment. I find it hard to believe that they will ever enjoy a normal Thanksgiving dinner again. I hope they have the strength to make it through this without being scarred more than they already have. And while you’re at it, say a little prayer – if you believe in prayer – not only for the kids, but for the for the family of Garrett Uekman, a red shirt freshman tight end for the University of Arkansas who was found dead Sunday morning in his dorm room.  Unfortunately, more prayers are needed for the families of Oklahoma State women’s basketball coach, Kurt Budke and his assistant Miranda Serna as they are having to face this first holiday without them after being killed in a plane crash last week. Brandon Weeden, the quarterback for OSU apparently received some negative messages on Twitter after the Cowboys lost to Iowa State Friday night. His response said it best. He said Oklahoma State lost much more than a football game this week.

Oklahoma State Women's Basketball coach Kurt Budke and his assistant Miranda Serna

                                                                                     

Red Shirt freshman tight end for the Arkansas Razorbacks Garrett Uekman.

Clearly, it has been rough going the past couple of weeks in the NCAA. I have a lot to be thankful for – I hope you do too. I hope your teams win this weekend – unless they are playing mine. But most of all, I hope we can all keep in mind: it’s just a game.

P.S. There is a book out there called, ironically, Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. Don’t buy it. If you have it, burn it.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Be thankful for who and what you’ve got. 

 

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Me, my dad, and the World Series

It was no ordinary series. This was personal. Yes, I am a fan and wanted to see the Cardinals win, but there was so much more. In fact, I think Tony La Russa should publicly acknowledge the fact that my dad was silently sitting in the Cardinals dug out since September as his silent partner. I believe that with all my heart. Since his sudden passing 17 months ago, I’m sure  Dad has been planning this all along. The ONLY reason it didn’t happen last year is because I’m positive he has been marking the chalk lines waiting to throw the ball around and have batting  practice with his all time favorite player, Stan Musial. Yes,  my dad is waiting for Stan the Man preparing for when him and number 6 will one day be playing ball together on the ultimate field of dreams.

Let me take you to the end of August 2011. By August 25, the Cardinals had played their 130th game of the season and were 10½ games behind the Wild Card leading Atlanta Braves. They were written off to make the play-offs by most people – including myself, because of that large deficit. (enter my dad into the dugout) The team began the month of September at 72-64 and 8½ games behind both the Wild Card and Central Division leaders. Now, my dad has never been a Braves fan, and he clearly decided it was time for the Braves to go into a tail spin – and did they ever. They finished the final month of the season going 9-18. At the same time, the Cards went 18-8 to finish the season at 90-72, one game better than Atlanta’s record of 89-73, and won the National League Wild Card on the final game of the regular season. Exciting way to get into the post season? You bet it was. In fact, it marked the largest comeback in MLB history after 130 games played (only 32 regular season games remained), and the second largest comeback in the month of September. Nice job, Dad. Not only did you work your magic to get them to the play offs, you did it in style.

St. Louis enters post season play against the Philadelphia Phillies for the NLDS. The Phillies were heavily favored to win the 5 game series. Someone forgot to tell the Cardinals that. The Cards took the series 3 games to 2 and advanced to the NLCS for the first time since 2006.  There’s your Philadelphia Freedom, Phillies, enjoy your off-season golf game earlier than expected. Or as my dad would have said, “suck on that, Philadelphia. Take your Philly Cheese Steak and shove it up your asses. ” Dad always did have a way with words.

We go from cheese steak to sausages. I usually like playing with sausages, but not in this scenario. Milwaukee Brewers and the Cardinals meet in Milwaukee for the first 2 games of this series. The teams split 1-1 and headed to St. Louis. The Cards took 2 out of 3 games at home and went back to Milwaukee where they grilled the Sausages in game 6 and won 12-6. This gave St. Louis their 18th National League Pennant.  This ties them with the Dodgers and Giants for the most pennants won in the National League. Not only that, but it proves that Busch trumps Miller beer. Come and get it, everybody….the sausages are done and we are going to the World Series!! I’ll be honest. I had a tear in my eye after this win because I could physically feel the excitement from up above.

Let the REAL series begin.  World Series 2011. St. Louis Cardinals vs. Texas Rangers. The Rangers are making a return appearance as American League champs. They were in this same spot last year when they lost to the San Francisco Giants 4 games to 1. 2011  would prove to be a much more dramatic series.  Especially that epic game 6. Let’s start at the beginning though……..

Thanks to the National League winning the All-Star game, the Cardinals had the privilege of home field advantage. Game one at Busch: Cardinals win 3-2. This is when you just knew it was going to be a good series. You could feel it in the air. Game 2, also in St. Louis was a damn good game. Scoreless through the first 6 innings, Allen Craig pinch hit a single to right field which drove in David Freese for the score. 1-0 Cards. The 8th inning was scoreless and I started getting a little pre-mature moisture – I was thinking, wow – the odds are pretty good we could win this whole thing if we go up 2 games to none. Then comes the 9th inning.  The Rangers score 2 runs and wind up holding the Cards scoreless in the bottom of the ninth to tie the series 1-1 going to The Ballpark at Arlington. The pre-mature moisture instantly became the Sahara Desert.

Game 3 – Rangers Ballpark at Arlington.  After a total of 8 total runs scored in the first 2 games (please don’t let my arithmetic skills shock you into thinking I am some sort of genius) the Home Run Gods decided to make an appearance. Babe Ruth and Reggie Jackson laid their long ball hands upon the bat of Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols and he went yard 3 times. Yes,  3 homers in a one World Series game. And I’m not referring to the presence of George W. Bush, Joe Buck, and Scotty McCreery. I mean Pujols hit 3 home runs in game 3 tying Ruth and Jackson for the most home runs in a World Series game. The score was 16-7 giving the Cardinals the series lead 2-1. Those 16 runs were the most scored in a WS game since 2002. In case you’re curious, the Yankees hold that record at 18 scored way back in 1936. Game 4 was a bust – for the Cards anyway. They were shut out 4-0 as the Rangers tied the series at 2. The St. Louis bats were clearly exhausted from the night before and makes this match up a lot more interesting now. Game 5 is still in Texas, and the Cards took an early lead, however the Rangers came back and took the lead in the series by winning the fifth game 4-2. The Texas Rangers are 1 game away from winning their first World Series Championship in franchise history – BUT – they are going to have to do in St. Louis. I’ll be the first to admit I was wrong when I said the winner of game 5 will be the ultimate champions. Yes I was wrong, but it didn’t come easy for the Cards. Boy was it not.

Game 6 – St. Louis Busch Stadium. First it was postponed because it was predicted there would be severe weather in the area. And THEN the cardinals managed to pull off one of the greatest come-from-behind wins in the Series’ history, twice coming back from two-run deficits in the ninth and tenth innings, both times down to their last strike. It was definitely a roll of Rolaids moment.  David Freese tied the game at 7–7 with a two-out, two-strike, two-RBI triple in the bottom of the ninth against Rangers closer Neftalí Feliz. However, in the top of the 10th, the Rangers regained the lead after Josh Hamilton hit a two-run homer. In the bottom half of the inning, Ryan Theriot’s RBI groundout followed by Lance Berkman’s RBI single brought in Jon Jay with the tying run. After holding the Rangers scoreless in the top of the 11th, the Cardinals won the game with David Freese’s solo walk-off home run shot to dead center field. The win forced a Game 7 for the first time since 2002. I could not move away from the TV. I grew up on a baseball field and this was the best game I believe I have ever seen. This is why it is called the Fall Classic. 

 I don’t need to tell you what happened next. The St. Louis Cardinals at home beat the Texas Rangers 6-2 to win their 11th title. 11 in 11. As I did a victory dance around my living room, it did not take long to feel that aura all around me. I sat down on my couch and looked at a shelf looking back at me. On that shelf is a St. Louis Cardinals bear that belonged to my dad. Next to it is what was his favorite Cards cap, and a Stan Musial signed baseball all laying on a pennant that hung on his wall. I then put my head in my hands and cried like a baby. I cried because in my heart, the Cardinals had just won the World Series for my dad and because of my dad. I cried because I miss my dad and didn’t get to say everything I needed to say. And I cried, because at that moment as I felt his smile and I remembered it is because of him I love sports as much as I do. Though that may seem like an odd thing to cry over, sports brought my dad and I together in many ways. I cried because I miss him.

          

So, as another baseball season ends in a Cardinals fan victorious fashion, I will end with this: Thank you Cardinals for an unbelievable season. Thank you Rangers for one of the best series ever. If you are reading this and still have your dad, or if you are a dad, spring is not that far away – take him or  your kid to a ball game and make some memories.

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The NFL’s new Handshake Rule

It’s week 6 and the pussification of the NFL continues.  First the “tuck rule” and now by the end of the upcoming week the Hard Handshake Rule” will be implemented. This rule, of course will only apply to coaches. I’m not sure if it will apply to all coaches or just head coaches yet or just how it will be worded, but we can thank Jim Harbaugh for having too hard of a handshake.

If you have not heard or have watched the video of what happened that led to such lunacy, let me paint you a picture. The San Francisco 49′ers went to Detroit to play the undefeated Lions. Now I know if you haven’t being paying close attention to the NFL this season you are asking yourself, “Did she just say the UNDEFEATED Lions?” Yes, yes I did, and I am referring to the Detroit Lions that play in Ford Field. Don’t get too excited, because after today, the Lions are no longer in the ranks of the unbeaten. The 49′ers ultimately won the game 25-19.  As usual, the coaches meet in the middle for the traditional handshake. This is where the “Great Handshake Debacle” begins.

Apparently Jim Harbaugh – the head coach of the 49′ers – was excited his team went into a hostile environment as a slight underdog and ended up victorious over an unbeaten team. Your first mistake, Jim: you are a head coach are you are not supposed to show excitement. How unprofessional of you. Then you have the nerve to shake Jim Schwartz’s hand too hard and slap him on the back. I’m going to save you from having to do a Google search – Jim Schwartz is the head coach of the Lions – hence the reason Harbaugh shook his hand in the first place. If you were to type Schwartz’s name into a search engine, a picture of  Baby Huey would appear.

According to Schwartz, he went to congratulate Harbaugh and “got shoved out of the way. And then I didn’t expect an obscenity at that point, so it was a surprise to me at the end of the game.” When asked to clarify, Schwartz simply said it can be seen in the video. I saw the video. What I saw was one coach slapping another coach on the back and shaking his hand. This was followed by the coach in blue getting pissed off then chasing Harbaugh towards the tunnel only to have staff, assistant coaches and players to restore some kind of order. Oh, by the way, this is a real story….just in case you were wondering.

Now, I will give Schwartz the benefit of the doubt. Maybe there were some obscenities, I don’t know – I couldn’t tell by the video. Even if there were, does this require him to go straight up Charlie Sheen crazy? Must be the Tiger Blood flavored Gatorade on the sidelines leftover from Detroit Tigers loss to the Texas Rangers the day before in the American League Championships. (This refers to baseball for my friends who don’t follow sports but still read this because I force them to) I mean, seriously Coach Schwartz, you chased the man almost 40 yards down the field because he gave a passionate hand shake and slap on the back? Oh, and apparently said something obscene. Don’t you think the mature thing to do would have been to just let it go and then go home and tell your mommy and let her call Mrs. Harbaugh? Nooo… you needed to chase him down like the whiny bitch you are. You do realize, you almost matched your team’s total rushing yards against the 49′ers in that one “play.” Perhaps you should have used that energy in the locker room instead of being a sore loser and chasing after the other teams coach who maybe was a little too jubilant at the wrong time.

Jim Harbaugh did apologize after the game. He said he did give a hard handshake and that it was “his bad and on him.” So he is sorry that his handshake is too strong? Don’t be sorry, Jim Harbaugh. It’s not your fault that Schwartz is a puss and is extra sensitive. Blame the Lions training staff for not providing him with a Pamprin. Now, both coaches will probably get fined. Why? Schwartz will be fined for being a lunatic and Harbaugh will be fined for being passionate and  happy when they met mid field for a handshake. Pay attention coaches of the NFL: start using Palmolive at home from now on when you’re washing dishes, because from here on out, only soft handshakes will be permitted on a football field. Come to think of, you would think Harbaugh’s handshake would have softened up a little by now. After all, he does spend a lot of time in San Francisco.

With that being said, I have known all along that Jim Harbaugh has strong hands. There was never a doubt in my mind. It’s no secret that I have had a major crush on Jimmy Harbaugh since the first time I laid eyes on him – way back in the day when he was QB for the Chicago Bears. I am in no way excusing his harsh (sarcasm) behavior towards Jim Schwartz – but I sure would LOVE to know the obscenity that was used. I can only imagine that it was something like “Good game, Schwartz. I’m gonna go home and slap Leesa on the ass just as hard as I did your back.”

A girl can only dream.

P.S. The St. Louis Cardinals just won the National League Championship and are headed to the World Series to face the Texas Rangers. My dad must be celebrating in heaven right now. It’s going to be a great series. I can’t wait! GO CARDS!!!!

On a serious note: Prayers to the family of Dan Wheldon – 2 time Indy 500 winner. He tragically lost his life in a horrible crash at a race in Las Vegas today. He leaves behind a wife and 2 young children. Though these will be sad and dark days ahead for his family and the sport of racing, this man died doing what he loved best.  RIP.

 

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Are You Ready for some Red River Shootout Football?

Oh Bocephus…..you may have been Born to Boogie, but apparently you weren’t born to make analogies. 

As you have most likely heard by now, Hank Williams, Jr. made a comment comparing President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s what the news stories say anyway. I read the comment, and I think a lot of people have been in Hank Jr.’s stash, because what he said was just , in fact, an analogy. He was not saying President Obama and Hitler are alike. Well, duh. Last time I checked, Hitler was not black. Or tall. Or married to Michelle Obama. Now, THAT would be a new Family Tradition.  I’m not going to quote the comment in fear of being googled by left-wing tree huggers. (Actually, that would be kinda fun) I will let you read the comment for yourself and make up your own mind. Just a word of advice, when you do read it, turn down your Dixie Chicks CD. Their music may influence you in a democratic sort of way.

Now, as a result of said comments, ESPN decided to yank Hank Jr.’s opening to Monday Night Football. You know the one. Are you ready for some football…..a Monday night party…….all my rowdy friends are coming over tonight blah blah blah. Last night ESPN said, “although Hank Williams, Jr. is not a direct ESPN employee, he is closely linked to our company through the open to “Monday Night Football.” We are extremely disappointed with his comments and as a result we have decided to pull the open from tonight’s telecast.” Wait, you mean the song wasn’t played? Damn, I guess I didn’t notice. Perhaps it’s because I actually leave my TV on mute until the game actually begins. Sorry Hank, as much as I enjoyed your music in the 80′s (NOT) I haven’t been able to tolerate the opening to Monday Night Football for several years now. Don’t get me wrong, I happen to think that ESPN took this opportunity to get rid of Hank once and for all. It’s about time, fellas. It’s time to live in the now. We need a fresh voice. Think of the possibilities…….I hear Vanilla Ice is available. Oh! How about MC Hammer?   ”STOP!    Football time!!!!!” Genius. He will be playing at the prestigious Tulsa State Fair this weekend – I can make a call if you like. So there ya go ESPN, the door was opened and you walked right through. Yes, I’m sure you are pleasing a lot of people who are disgusted by his comments, but in my opinion, it wasn’t a terminating offense.  I do want to add that I would be willing to bet that deep down inside, Hank Williams, Jr. truly doesn’t give a shit. When you ask, “Hank, why do you drink? Hank, why do you roll smoke?” He’ll laugh and say, “Why must I sing for ESPN, it’s a joke.” What surprises me is, ESPN is using the fact that Hank used a Hitler reference to pull his song from MNF. Ironic. This is also the same company that operates the communist Longhorn Network.

Speaking of that aforementioned network, let’s move on to the important sports news of the week. OU vs. TexASS is this Saturday. That’s right, it is hate week, ladies and gentlemen. Now those of you who are reading this who are neither a Sooner or a fan of that other team, you may skip right along if you wish, because the rest of this article is all Red River Shootout related. And no, the Red River Shootout is not the name for my period. It is the 2nd Saturday in October when the glorious color of Sooner red and burnt ass orange come together to make Longhorn cookies. It’s a simple recipe: add Texas football players in a big Cotton Bowl and beat them for 3 hours. Simple. And they taste delicious. Not so delicious if you forget to add victory, which will not happen this year.

It is a fact that the Sooners and the Donghorns have no love for one another. It makes for a heated rivalry when the Cotton Bowl in Dallas is split right down the middle with an equal amount of fans from both teams. There are violent bar fights in the West End the night before the game between fans, ugly name calling,  and intense football the next day. It is also a fact, that this is one of the biggest rivalries in college football. (Simma down Ohio State and Michigan fans, I said ONE of the biggest.) The game typically has conference or even national significance. Since 1945, one or both of the two teams has been ranked among the top 25 teams in the nation coming into 61 out of 66 games. It’s no different this year as Oklahoma comes into the game ranked #3 in the AP Polls (#1 in the Coaches Poll) and the other team is ranked AP #11. This is a big deal, folks. The Golden Hat and Sooner pride are on the line. Both teams come into the game undefeated. TexASS fans come to the game with their diplomas displayed on their dashboards so they can park in handicapped spots. It is truly a special time.

College Game day will be broadcasting. (I wonder if Hank, Jr. will be asked to sing the National Anthem? Yeah, probably not.) Lee Corso will choose between the Sooner Schooner hat or his normal attire of horns atop his head. All of this takes place amidst the background of the Texas State Fair. Corn dogs, funnel cakes, turkey legs and football. Ferris wheels, roller coasters, carnival games and the farm animal exhibits. Blowhorn fans can relate to those – in more ways than one. Farm animals remind me: What do you get when you cross a University of TexASS fan and a pig? Nothing. There are some things even a pig would not do.

So get ready for Red River war ya’ll. Bob Stoops has the Sooners ready to open a can of Oklahoma Whoop Ass on the Cotton Bowl field  Saturday. The schooner is ready to rock. Landry Jones, Ryan Broyles, Dom Whaley, the Cali trio, Travis FREAKIN Lewis – ALL ready to grill some Bevo burgers and I hear Tony Jefferson is hungry for some more interceptions this week.  The only news I’ve heard from the other side is that Mack Brown is only dressing 20 players for the game. The rest have finally learned to dress themselves.

I cannot wait. Boomer Sooner, bitches. Let the games begin!

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College Football and Vagisil

It’s only the second weekend of college football and my beloved Sooners already have a bye. This leaves me with A: A lot of other games to watch and B: Idle time on my hands to write an article about the games I have been watching so far.

 It’s almost 5pm Tulsa time – so todays “big game” has yet to be played. I am referring to Michigan and Notre Dame set for kickoff later tonight. Speaking of this game, you would think that these 2 teams collectively have found a cure for cancer because they are playing a night game for the first time in the Big House. That’s all they seem to be talking about on ESPN. Football at night? No way. Hey baseball, take note, these guys may be on to something.  Seriously, relax people. A fucking switch is being flipped – it’s not like the fans are all being asked to fly kites with a key attached to the string and hope for a storm. Oh that’s right, that couldn’t happen because if there is lightning within 6 miles, the game will be called off/postponed.

One of the games I am currently watching while writing this is Oregon vs. Nevada. The only “game” being played here is to see how high the Ducks are going to run the score up on the Wolf Pack. The score is 41-7 at halftime. This is of course, an Oregon team who lost their season opener to LSU in Dallas. So what we have is a bunch of pissed off Ducks. More importantly, every Saturday is Fashion Week with this team. Today’s ensemble apparently came from the Vera Wing’s ”Just Say No to Green” Collection. (No, that is NOT a typo – Vera WING is of course the designer to the Ducks.) They are sporting neon yellow jersey’s with grey pants and numbers. Their helmets are a glittering silver glistening  under the Eugene sun with a yellow O on the side shining just as bright. I’m not sure why they don’t set up a runway and have Tyra Banks show their pictures one by one as they strut their young, athletic bods down the middle of the field as they are being introduced instead of running out of a tunnel. It’s a good thing the Oregon cheerleaders remembered the school colors. They are, indeed in yellow AND green. (make that score 48-7 by the time this paragraph was finished thanks to an Oregon scoring punt return) Yawn.

I did watch most of the Auburn – Mississippi State game. I love games with a dramatic ending, and this one was. The Bulldogs were this (__) close to tying the score with 10 seconds to go, but somehow, someway Auburn finds a way to stop the touchdown and win yet another game. I’m beginning to think Jesus wears an orange and blue robe on Saturdays.  I bet if he does it’s #34 with hand stitched JACKSON on the back. Now THERE’S a football players name: Jesus Jackson. Seriously, who is gonna tackle Jesus?

SCORE UPDATE: Oregon 55  NEVADA 13     Still 3rd quarter. I smell a comeback.

So now let’s touch on the most entertaining game of the day. Wisconsin Badgers and the Oregon State Beavers. I must warn you. If you do not appreciate 12 year old humor, then you should stop reading right now. Oh, and by the way, a badger is a weasel – in case you didn’t know – that bit of information may come in handy in a minute. It all started with the kick off. The announcer says “Parker is the deep man for the Beavers.”  I know, all you guys are thinking, lucky bastard. But wait. It gets better. First of all, I found it ironic that the quarterback for the Beavers last name is Katz. I’ll give you a second or 2 on that one.   ——— Then I hear “3 and out for the Beavers.” I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a good night to me.  One of the few times that Oregon State was actually moving the ball, Mr. Announcer says ” Good protection for the Beavers.” So does this mean there’s a slim chance the beaver contracts an STD or perhaps avoids an unwanted pregnancy? At least they’re responsible. There is no way I could broadcast a Beaver game without being fired from giggling at the innuendos throughout the entire game. I mean come on, when I heard, “Peter is blocking the Beaver” you can’t convince me this wasn’t said on purpose. At one point of the game I heard “There is an injured Beaver on the field.” Hello Tampax…….why aren’t you sponsoring this team? If the beaver is a bleedin, Tampax is there to save the day. Perhaps they prefer Always with wings, I don’t know. I would think a tampon would be more comfortable when tackling a bunch of weasels – but that’s just me.  As I went on a Facebook and Twitter posting frenzy, my friend replied telling me his girlfriend was watching a Wisconsin game last year and mistakenly thought the announcers were saying Vagers instead of Badgers. There’s a game for ya – Beavers vs. Vagers. Welcome to collegiate lesbian football. Beavers and Vagers tackling each other and rolling around the field like a pool full of jello. And of course, like the Florida Gators introduced Gatorade on the sidelines, the Vagers would have an endless supply of Vagisil waiting to be squirted and rubbed all over the head coach when there is victory.

Speaking of hearing things wrong, as I continued to watch the weasels pounding the beavers, I mistook a name myself. The Beavers have a kicker named Hekker. I thought I heard……..well you do the math. That’s right, if he makes the kick,  Pecker scores for the Beavers. Pecker missed. The final score of this game was 35-o showing that the Badgers weasled their way down the field and penetrated the Beavers zone a lot. I did see a couple of nice sacks from the Beavers, which frankly just confused me. Oregon State could not stop Wisconsin – in fact, as my friend pointed out, you could drive a Mack truck through that gaping hole in the Beavers line. When all is said and done, I pray to the college football scheduling Gods that they schedule a game between the Beavers and Game Cocks.

Oh yeah, I bet the Vagers uniforms would be slick! 

And so I wait for tonight’s game and the miracle of stadium lighting in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Go Blue.

FINAL SCORE UPDATE: NEVADA 20  (and ironically) OREGON  69.  You can’t make this shit up.

TOMORROW IS THE 10th ANNIVERSARY OF THE 9/11 TRAGEDY. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Follow me on Twitter:  @soonerleesa

Email: leesa@shesaidsports.net

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The Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Football

This is dedicated to AJ – my biggest and one of my original fans. If it weren’t for fantasy football, we would not have ever met.

I recently bought the 2011 Fantasy Football Guide on my way to work. As it lay on my desk I noticed a couple of girls looking at it like it was covered in Anthrax. “Who left that on your desk?” When i gave the answer that it is mine, they asked why I would spend money on a magazine that is not Cosmo or Vogue. When I attempted my explanation of my fantasy football, they looked at the cover and said “oh,  well he looks like he could be sorta cute.” The “he” they were referring to is Aaron Rodgers. After this conversation, I decided it was time to make a SheSaidSports Girl’s Guide to Fantasy Football. Please bear in mind that during this research, I have proven something I already knew: most professional football players are not that physically attractive. Yes, they all have smoke shows for wives and girlfriends, but let’s be real. It’s because a professional athlete is like a rock star and has a fat wallet. With that being said,  this is not your normal fantasy football guide – this one is for the girls. I have even added some visual aid for my number one picks. I am going to list my choices in the same order the magazine does which means I am starting off with the quarterback position. Now being the educator that I am, I will briefly describe what the quarterback’s role for his team is. A play usually begins when the quarterback takes a snap from the center and then either hands off to a running back or a receiver, passes to a receiver or a running back, runs the ball himself, spikes the ball or takes a knee. He is known as the play caller in huddles. Now, according to the magazine, the top 3 choices for someone’s fantasy team are: the cover boy himself, Aaron Rodgers (Green Bay Packers), Michael Vick (Philadelphia Eagles), and Drew Brees (New Orleans Saints). While I cannot argue with these picks, I will reveal the SheSaidSports picks for MY fantasy team:

Mark Sanchez – New York Jets  Stats: Height: 6-2   Weight: 225   Age: 24   Sanchez is in his 3rd season in the NFL and he played college ball at USC.  I’ll be real honest, there weren’t any QB’s that moistened my panties, but Mark’s last name helped him win this title. After all, after looking at this GQ picture, what girl wouldn’t want a little Dirty Sanchez? My runner-up are Matt Cassel (KC Chiefs) and, as bad as I hate to say it, Tom Brady (New England Patriots).

The next position is running back. The running back carries the ball on most running plays and is also frequently used as a short-yardage receiver. Running backs, along with the wide receivers, are generally the fastest players on the offensive team. These guys are sometimes referred to as tail-backs or half-backs. According to the magazine, the top 3 choices for running back are Adrian Peterson (Minnesota Vikings AND former Oklahoma Sooner – BOOMER!), Arian Foster (Houston Texans), and Chris Johnson (Tennessee Titans). All good choices, statistically. Let me just say this is my favorite position. (that’s what she said) When abbreviated, running back is RB which is so appropriate because my choice for number 1 RB is RB himself:

Reggie Bush. Stats: Height: 6-0   Weight: 203   Age: 26               This Reggie’s 6th season in the NFL and also played college ball at USC. This season he will be taking his talents to Miami. Now Reg has had a rough go of it lately. The break up of him and Kim Kardashian, he had to give up his 2005 Heisman Trophy and the Saints traded him to the Dolphins. Don’t you worry, Reggie, I have an award for you, it’s called the Hymen Trophy and you can have mine. Reggie Bush is hot, hot, hot. That is all. Oh yeah, the runners-up: Ryan Matthews (San Diego Chargers), and Jahvid Best (Detroit Lions)

Moving right along to wide receiver. The wide receivers are speedy pass-catching specialists. However, they can be bigger if they still can get open and catch the ball. Their main job is to run pass routes and get open for a pass, although they are occasionally called on to block. Fantasy Football Guide selects the following 3 as their top WR picks: Andre Johnson (Houston Texans), Calvin Johnson (Detroit Lions), and Roddy White (Atlanta Falcons). As hard as it is to believe, my choices do not match the magazines’. My number 1 WR?

Danny Armendola - St. Louis Rams. Stats: Height: 5-11   Weight: 186   Age: 25  This is his 3rd season and he did NOT play college ball at USC. He played for Texas Tech. He maybe the 52nd choice of the magazine that declares itself the “Professional Edition” , but in the world of SheSaidSports, he is number 1 – and I consider myself a professional woman. The runner ups? Miles Austin (another K.Kardashian reject and a Da…Dall….Dallas Co – sorry my keyboard will not allow me to type those words) and Austin Collie (Indianapolis Colts).

Now let’s touch on the tight end. Tight ends play on either side of, and roughly next to, the tackles. They are a mix between a blocker and a pass receiver. The magazine chooses Dallas Clark (Colts), Antonio Gates (Chargers), and Jermichael Finley (Packers). All good choices, but I do admit if I HAD to pick from these 3, I would choose Finley before the other 2. Although tight end sounds like sexiest of positions, I could only find 1 guy that was worthy enough to make this list. Call me judgmental, but remember, I am creating a fantasy for a girl. Who has won the position tight end on team?

Brent Celek - Philadelphia Eagles  Stats: Height: 6-4   Weight: 255   Age: 26   Brent is entering his 5th season in the NFL after playing college ball at Cincinnati. Next time you pose for a picture, Brent, please lose the wedding ring. There are maybe some girls that are scouting you for their fantasy team that actually have morals and consider discovering what becomes between you and your Calvin Kleins as wrong. But before you let your ego swell from this honor, please remember you won because there was really no competition.

That brings us to the most important position of all. (enter sarcasm) The kicker. The kicker is considered part of the special teams.  He andles kickoffs and field goal attempts, and in some cases, punts as well. I have actually won fantasy games because of the points that the kicker has given me. The top 3 in the “guide” are Stephen Gostkowski (NE Patriots), Nate Kaeding (San Diego Charges), and Sebastian Janikowski (Oakland Raiders) Once again, I will not argue these selections. I, however once again, have  completely different choices. My top kicker is:

Garrett Hartley - New Orleans Saints  Stats: Height: 5-8   Weight: 196   Age: 25               This is Garrett’s 4th year in the NFL and kicked many balls for drumroll, please…..THE University of Oklahoma. (please stand up and clap while I sing Boomer Sooner as loud as I can) Not only did he go to Oklahoma, he also kicked the winning FG to against the Vikings to send them to Super Bowl XLIV in which they beat the Colts. He became the first kicker in Super Bowl history to convert three field goals of 40 yards or more. Hartley is now the highest paid kicker in the league. I’m sure it’s because of getting his education at OU. Hartley is just cute – especially his hair. He’s got the kind of hair that I like to describe as “freshly fucked.” Boomer Sooner, Garrett! Runner ups include Neil Rackers (Houston) and Ryan Succop (KC)

So there you have it – the major offensive positions that are used in fantasy football.   In most leagues I play in we pick an entire defence/special teams so I’m not going to break those down. I will tell you that my first choice every single year for defense is the Pittsburgh Steelers. This will not surprise anyone that knows me. If the Steelers are already picked when it comes my turn, I will pick the Atlanta Falcons because I feel a special bond with their defense. There are a couple of leagues I’m a part of where we select a head coach. This selection is usually used as a tie breaker – if the coach’s team wins, you are given 1 point. So now I will reveal to you my number 1 coach pick.

Jim Harbaugh - San Francisco 49′ers. Stats: Height: 6-3   Weight: 215   Age: 47   I have been in love with Jim Harbaugh since he played as a Chicago Bear and an Indianapolis Colt in the 80′s and 90′s. I went to Kansas City to watch the Colts play the Chiefs just because of him. It was there, in Arrowhead Stadium where we fell in love. By “fell in love” I mean acted out the ultimate stalker stunt. I hung over the tunnel with 2 guys each holding a foot keeping me from falling as he made his way up the ramp at halftime. I was professing my love for him and it was right then and there we made eye contact and the rest is history. When security body slammed me against the wall and escorted me out of the stadium, I knew they had instructions to take me to the Colt’s team bus where I would wait for Jimmy and we would happily ride away in the sunset together. Damn Chiefs security stole my love story away and escorted me out a tunnel alright. The tunnel was called Stadium Exit and made sure I made it to my car. To this very day I curse the security of Arrowhead Stadium. This will be Jim’s first year as an NFL coach, coming from a successful tenure at Stanford. I will now pay closer attention to the 49ers. Jim, call me when you’re ready to add 20 to your team’s name. I suppose it is required that I have his brother John as honorable mention since he could potentially be my brother-in-law one day. But the real runner-up is:

Mike Tomlin – Pittsburgh Steelers. Mike, you are the epitome of cool.

You coach my beloved Steelers and you have swagger. I didn’t think I would approve of anyone replacing Bill Cowher so quickly, but you had me at Super Bowl XLIII. Mike also happened to play, you guessed it – my favorite position of running back….just like Reggie Bush.

So there you have it – the first annual SheSaidSports Fantasy Football Team. It’s a start for those of you are not fantasy football educated. Fantasy Football…….I love you.

Follow me on Twitter: @soonerleesa

Email me: leesa@shesaidsports.net

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